


The Story

by pirevolution



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Calzona, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:33:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 35,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22788766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirevolution/pseuds/pirevolution
Summary: We couldn't get to see Callie's journey in New York post 12x24. What did Callie Torres go through after she left for New York and Penny till she texted "I can't wait to see you" to Arizona?
Relationships: Arizona Robbins/Calliope "Callie" Torres
Comments: 11
Kudos: 97





	1. The Weight

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 1

The Weight

Callie's POV

Finally she was free…At least for a year. She was free to move to New York with her girlfriend and her daughter. She got one more chance to have it "all" in her life. Ok, she had to take a few steps back in her career for this choice but it seemed like a minor loss compared to what she'll be having in return. She wanted to do the right thing for once in her life.

Penny was waiting for them at the JFK exit door with a huge smile and shiny eyes. She could not help but almost run to the door, to her girlfriend by dragging Sofia and a heavy suitcase. They both jumped into each other's arms for a passionate kiss, as passionate as it can be while Sofia was watching.

On the way to Penny's apartment, she was holding Penny's hand in the cab. Sofia was snoring on her lap after a long exciting journey.

"I still can't believe you're here."

"Me neither but I am here. Sofia is here. I'll take her to Arizona next weekend. And Arizona will be bringing Sofia back after we arrange the apartment and other details. "

"How did she let you take Sofia? What happened?"

"I don't know. She is great. We should have… I shouldn't have jumped the guns. We should have talked before we, uh I messed everything up. Anyway, she is great and I am, we are here with you."

"You are here… I love you"

"I love you, too" She pulled her into a long kiss at the back of the cab.

Everything couldn't be better. She found the perfect apartment with Penny. It was close to Penny's hospital, the central park and most of the good schools that she applied for Sofia. The attending position in Columbia Hospital was still open and they immediately accepted her application. Arizona was very helpful during the move. She stayed in a hotel very close to their apartment and she took Sofia most of the time when she was dealing with the move. She was sure they selected the best school after a long and careful consideration of type A Arizona's checklist together. They took Sofia to school on her first day together. Sofia loved her new school, her new teacher and her new friends.

Today was Arizona's last day so Sofia was with Arizona the whole day till the afternoon. She was flying back tonight. She brought Sofia back as they agreed.

"Hi Callie"

"Hey"

"Hi mama"

Sofia was still holding Arizona's hand outside of the door.

"You want to come in?"

"It's better if I don't. I better leave now or I'll miss my flight"

"Ok."

She pulled an envelope from her bag and showed it to me.

"This came out of the post today"

"What is it?" after a few seconds, I took it from her hand.

"The custody papers"

"What?"

What was she saying?

"My lawyer completed all the procedures for the shared custody…"

"What? I didn't know…"

"These are the papers for the shared custody. You'll need it a lot cause you'll be making most of the decisions alone. For Sofia. I'll be on the other side of the country… " She was rambling.

This woman…

I didn't know what to say. This woman kept surprising me.

"Thank you."

"I better go." She turned to Sofia.

"I love you sweetie! We'll see each other soon….Don't forget I love you. I love you very.. very much."

"Don't go, mommy! Can't you stay?"

"We talked about this Sofia. You know I need to go and save the tiny humans in Seattle but I'll see you at Christmas and… and give you the best gifts ever. I love you sweetie." She hugged Sofia.

"I love you too mommy!" Sofia was hugging Arizona and wasn't letting her go.

"Come on Sofia."

I had to drag her from Arizona's legs. Arizona turned her back to me for a second and looked up…I saw her teary eyes for a millisecond. And that millisecond hit me like a freight train.

"I don't need much to be happy. I don't even need two legs. But I do know that I need you. I need Sofia, and I need you."

She was losing all, at least for a year. I didn't see any tears falling. She put her walls high up with a quick smile that popped her dimples. She was gracious, nice, accommodating and… distanced.

I felt the weight on my shoulders, and in my heart; the weight I've been trying to run away till the plane crash, no, actually not the plane crash but the leg, freaking leg, the weight that made me leave her in the therapist's room after she said she loved me, the weight I wanted to be free from.

Thank God, Arizona left without looking back. Probably she didn't want to show Sofia and me the tears she could no longer hold.

"Ok. Sofia, let's go to your room and play with the new toys that mommy bought!" was enough for Sofia to run to her room.

I leaned my back on the door for a while, closed my eyes, tried to inhale and exhale.

I should love me, and she should love herself. I should be myself. I should love me and Penny.

I'm free and I'll have it all. Penny will be home in two hours. I smiled... "Mamaaaa!"


	2. A good man in a storm

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio & Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 2

A good man in a storm

Callie's POV

When Carlos arrived today, it was almost noon. It was a sunny, easy-going Sunday. We were having a family brunch; egg, bacon, my favorite bagels, Sofia's pancakes, coffee, New York Times and some cartoons on Tv for Sofia.

How long has it been since I last saw my daddy? At least three years or even more. It seemed like ages ago. I recall our last conversation when he visited during the malpractice suit. It was grey, no, dark grey, almost black. I feel something heavy on my heart and on my shoulders even when I think about it now. Arizona and I were separated. Our last separation before the final one…Oh God! We had so many of them. Didn't we? "You chose to break up your family? Did you even try to work things out? "were his words that convinced me to give one more chance to Arizona and our family. But no matter how hard we tried, I, we failed…It has been easier to avoid serious conversation on the phone but today he was here. He already knew the basics thanks to our 5 minute Sunday calls; the divorce, the move to New York and Penny but not the details. I wasn't ready to share the details. I'm never ready to share the details.

I was happy and anxious at the same time. Penny was just anxious and my anxiety wasn't helping her. She looked calm and peaceful for any outsider but I could easily see how scared she was when I looked in her eyes. I shouldn't have told her the furious introductions of my dad to George who almost peed on his pants or Mark. Even Mark was shaking when my dad pushed and held him against the wall. Only Arizona could valiantly stand across him, shook his hand with a huge smile and dimples. "I really hope you draw the line at throwing women against walls."

Thank God everything went smoothly. It took time but my dad got used to pretty much all my preferences over the years. He was very polite to Penny and didn't question her too much in the few hours we spent together. Sofia was happily playing with her abuelo and she was a great buffer. When Penny left for the hospital, I knew it was time for "the talk" he has been waiting for.

"Mija! I'm glad you moved closer to me. I can see my girl and my grandbaby whenever I want. You are only 3 hours away instead of 7. So tell me. How are you? "

"I'm good, daddy. Very good. Very happy with Penny. I have Sofia with me. And uh I have less workload. New York is exciting!"

"Penny is a nice girl. Is she really making you happy?"

Uhhh… I hate the word "nice". That has been the most popular, "almost only" adjective for Penny. She is so much more than "nice".

"Yes daddy. Penny is great! She is making me really happy!"

Before I continue, Sofia ran inside. "When will I talk to mommy, mama?"

She was ecstatic to have her abuelo here, so I was surprised when I heard her question. She has been talking to Arizona every other day and no matter how excited she was about her abuelo, she wasn't forgetting that today was the "mommy" day.

I checked the time on my phone. There was still 2 hours before Arizona's shift's end. Before I said anything to Sofia, I saw Arizona's message, received half an hour ago. "Long procedure in OR. Hoping to call Sof in 3,5 hours."

"She will be calling you in 3 hours, at 7 o'clock"

"Ok" she left running as she entered and I knew this was her first of many entrances today. She would keep coming and asking in every half an hour till she speaks to her mommy.

My dad was watching us with worried eyes.

"How did Arizona let you take Sofia to New York with you?" He knew Arizona well enough that she'd never give up Sofia.

"She didn't… she did…"

I realized I never mentioned anything to him. This was a long story and I was hoping to cut it as short as possible.

He was looking at me with confused, questioning eyes and I was searching the right words for a story that I wasn't proud of at all.

"She didn't want me to take her to New York. We went through a terrible,… terrible custody trial."

"so you won full custody… now I underst" I cut him before he continued.

"No daddy no! She won full custody."

"How?! How come? Mija why didn't you tell me? You know my lawyer.

He's very good.

Technically, his tactics are legal… You gave birth to Sofia….

She didn't play dirty. Did she? She played dirty!?"

I was watching his hesitation. He believed in Arizona more than I had during the trial. He knew Arizona wouldn't play dirty… I was feeling guiltier. What got in me during the trial? Things would never get this messy if my dad was around. He has always been my compass even when we don't agree. Or my mirror when I can't see myself clearly behind my wild and violent urges. If I had him or…Mark…or… Addison… even… maybe Christina around.

"No daddy! She didn't. I was the one who played dirty."

"How? How did she get the full custody?" then he stopped, after a few seconds of silence "If you lost…How? Why is Sofia here with you?"

"I was devastated. You know I would never leave Sofia so I broke up with Penny and stayed in Seattle. I was… devastated. And uhh.. one night she came with some plane tickets… Sofia will stay with me this year and .. with Arizona next year. We are sharing custody. We solv.."

"Mama! Is it 7?" Thank God! Sofia ran in even less than five minutes.

"No honey! I'll knock your door when it is 7. What are you doing in your room?"

"I'm coloring." She was showing the Frozen coloring book that my dad brought for her. "I'll show it to mommy."

"Great!" and I don't think she heard what I said. I wonder when she will start walking instead of running everywhere.

"She is a good man in a storm." He whispered while he was nodding and looking down to the floor. He was talking to himself.

"What?!"

He looked up to me. "Arizona...Arizona is a good man in a storm." He was speaking slowly as if he was thinking. "She… she might have made some mistakes, some really big mistakes but… The first day she stood against me, it was in the cafeteria. She said she protects the things she loves. She fought for her daughter because she loves her daughter. Would you fall in love with her in the first place if you know she wouldn't love your daughter enough to fight for her? And she let you come here with your daughter because…"

He stopped. "She is a good man in a storm."


	3. 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio & Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 3

22

"You cut me down

Into little pieces

Before I could stand up

So I built a wall

Out of all my secrets

And now it's opened up"

22 by Gavin James

Callie's POV

It has been almost two months since I moved to New York and six weeks since I started working at Columbia Hospital. Even though I improved over the years, I've never been someone who quickly blended into the new groups. I am not the girl eating my hair at the back of the class anymore but I guess once a nerd is always a nerd. The first few weeks were difficult because it has been a long time since I worked for somewhere different than Grey Sloan – Seattle Grace - Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. Huh! I was one of the few who witnessed such a history hidden even in the names of the hospital. I just worked in Mercy West for a short period and the two hospitals just merged after I returned back to Seattle Grace. I was one of the five who voted "Aye" when Jackson suggested my best friend's surname as the hospital name along with Lexie's. And here I've uprooted myself for a new adventure and ended up in a new hospital where I know no one and no one knows me besides my "TED talk" videos in youtube and my research papers on the internet.

I couldn't find myself a Mark, Bailey, Cristina, Owen or a Meredith yet but I've met some very good people whom I can bond in the future, hopefully in the near future. I guess...I miss Seattle and my people over there. It especially hit me when I heard a particular voice today.

"Calliiieee! Callie Torres!"

I was just walking to the cafeteria after a very boring morning with no OR, no trauma but full of paperwork. I immediately recognized the voice and quickly turned back to check if I was dreaming.

"Addison? Addison! What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?"

Apparently we had a lot to catch up. She was here with her husband Jake because she wanted to join him during his conference in New York. I didn't know that she was remarried. From what she told and how she talked about Jake, I already liked him and I am happy for her.

"I need to go back before Jake's speech. I don't want to leave Henry to Charlotte and Cooper, more than 3-4 days. They already have enough trouble with four kids."

"Henry?"

"My son. He is a year younger than Sofia."

"Oh my god! I'm so happy for you!" That has been the best news I've heard for a long time. I was with her while she was mourning for her baby from Mark. It is kind of strange or interesting that we could both have kids from Mark. Our kids could be siblings! Another weird coincidence? It always amazes me how we got connected trough sex or other awkward stories back in Seattle. Anyway. Sofia's first week was the last time I saw her. I told what I'd gone through over the years, the summary of course. I could read Addison's sadness from her face and eyes while I was summarizing the plane crash and the divorce. I miss Mark a lot. We didn't talk about him but I'm sure she does miss him a lot too. She was quiet while I was talking about Penny. I couldn't read her when I mentioned the custody trial.

"So you thought Arizona was less of a mother than you?" Her eyebrows and tone were clearly showing her feelings.

"No! Nooo! I just didn't want to leave without Sofia and I wanted … I want to be with Penny…in New York. I couldn't take once in a lifetime opportunity from Penny. I did that to Arizona and I know how it works. I was trapped, Addison. I didn't want to choose between the woman I love and my daughter."

"So you thought you couldn't live without Sofia but Arizona could because… Mark did the same thing."

"What?"

"He said Arizona was nothing. And he was the father."

"What?!"

"Haven't they told you? You were in a coma. We were considering all the risks and options. We asked them who to save if … actually when it came to you or the baby, Sofia. 'cause at one point it came to you or Sofia. Mark said he could always make another baby with you as long as you live. Arizona didn't, couldn't choose. She knew you would be devastated if you'd lose the baby. They were screaming at each other. Arizona called Mark the "sperm donor" and Mark called her "nothing"…

I knew they had their disagreements while I was in the coma but I didn't know the details. They always had their disagreements. Before I could say anything Addison continued.

"I didn't know how Arizona felt that day. In any case, both loved you a lot. I told Mark to make up with her."

"Thank you. But how is this relevant? I never thought…I never said Arizona is nothing"

"But just as Mark, you considered yourself more of a parent, a parent who deserved more rights than her."

"But.."

"I understood what, how she might have felt so many years later. When Henry's biological mother showed up all of a sudden, I mean she had been showing no interest before, and she showed out of the blue moon. I had this fear, fear of losing my son for a week till we sorted the things out. I was about to lose my mind Callie. You don't just give someone the best gift anyone can give and take it away when you don' feel like it. Not when this gift is a child."

I didn't know Addison adopted his son. Who was I kidding? She noticed I was into women as well as men even before I knew it or accepted it. Actually I wasn't kidding anyone. I was just trying to explain to my friend how I felt trapped. I've been just trying to be happy.

"I know. I know. I know I messed things up. "

"I'm glad you sorted things and you are all happy now. So tell me about this Penny."

Deliberately or unintentionally I might have skipped Penny's involvement in Derek's death.

Meeting Addison was the highlight of my two months besides my life at home with Sofia and Penny.

…

"Still in OR. Don't know when it will be over. Please tell Sofia I'm sorry and I love her"

I got disappointed as much as Sofia when I got Arizona's message. They were supposed to facetime last night but Arizona sent a strange message and postponed it to tonight and tonight she was postponing again. Was she losing interest in Sofia? No, she would never do that. Was she having a girlfriend who has been occupying her life so much that she could not talk to her daughter for 10 minutes? No…She mentioned something like "prison". What the f..k was she doing in prison? Was she convicted of a felony? For one night? No, that doesn't make sense. How am I supposed to explain a very longing 7 years old that her mommy wouldn't talk to her again?

"Sofiaaa! Where are you?"

"I'm heeeere. I'll show these drawings and puppets to mommy."

"She just sent me a message honey. She is still in the OR. She is saving a tiny baby."

"Tiny human"

"What?"

"Not a tiny baby mama. Tiny human"

"Ok. She is saving a tiny human. She writes she is very sorry and she loves you to the moon and back."

Her excitement turned into sorrow within seconds and I simply had nothing to offer her, no magic or miracles that could make her smile. Penny was watching us from the couch where she was reading an article for her research.

"Why don't we watch a movie together? Maybe mama lets us have some ice cream as well. What do you think Sofia?"

"Ok"

"Ok to ice cream? How about yay? Maybe if it is strawberry?"

"yay" Penny succeeded to get an unexcited low "yay" from Sofia after some effort.

"So what do you want Sofia?" I asked.

"Inside out"

"You watched it last night. I think 3 times this week. C'mon choose another one, honey."

"I want inside out!"

"C'mon Sofia" I insisted.

"Ok. Ok. It is inside out. I want inside out too Callie." Penny intervened.

While Sofia was fully lost in "Inside out", Penny whispered.

"What's wrong? Why isn't she calling Sofia?"

"Work. Her work has always been very demanding." I didn't want to talk more, especially when Sofia could hear us. I texted Arizona; "She misses you a lot. You need to talk to her asap."

…

It was 7 am when I heard a text ring from my mobile. I was getting ready and preparing breakfast for Sofia simultaneously. "Can I facetime with Sofia now?"

It was 4 am in Seattle.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN:  
> \- For the ones who haven't seen Private practice; Addison – Henry story arc was from private practice season 5 episode 18 and season 6 episode 6.
> 
> \- This chapter takes place during season 13 episode 10 - You Can Look (But You'd Better Not Touch) and episode 11 (Jukebox Hero) in which Arizona had met a mother who refused to be with her prisoner daughter during her labor and worked over 48 hours. That's why I named this chapter as 22 by Gavin James, the song played after Kristen (the prisoner) gave birth.


	4. Three seasons in one day

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio & Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 4

Three seasons in one day

Callie's POV

Previously: It was 7 am when I heard a text ring from my mobile. I was getting ready and preparing breakfast for Sofia simultaneously. "Can I facetime with Sofia now?"

It was 4 am in Seattle.

…

"Sure"

As soon as I hit the send button, my phone started to ring.

"Soooofiaaaaaa! Got a surprise for you! Wake up little miss"

"Naaha mama"

"But you will love this surprise"

I hit the reply button not to make Arizona wait more and to stop the ringing noise.

"Hi"

"Hey! Just a minute. I still couldn't wake her up but she will love it. Just a minute"

"Sofia, this is my surprise" as I showed Sofia my phone's screen.

"Mommy!" This was Sofia's quickest wake up since she had been 2 years old. I left the room so they could have their mother-daughter time. Sofia was smiling for the first time in the last 24 hours. I leaned at the door for awhile to watch my little girl enjoying her time, chatting and laughing with her mommy. She was running around the room with the phone in one of her hands, showing the puppets, the drawings, and her latest favorite books. At one point she picked one to read a paragraph to her mommy. Arizona was applauding with cheerful bravos and other praises.

"You should get ready for school now sweetie."

"Five more minutes mommy. Pleaase!" Arizona was never good at saying "no" to Sofia. She had this very soft spot and believed in convincing her even when Sofia was only 3 years old. We've always had some arguments, no actually big fights. Her approach always drove me mad and I've always ended up as "the bad cop" of the family. Being the bad cop has always driven me mad. I don't know why? Maybe or probably I've never been as patient as Arizona, not only for Sofia bur for anything and everything. Her patience meant an action that was supposed to finish in a few minutes, would take ages. Being the bad cop also meant being the not so nice, responsible adult. It would have been great if she fixed things as quickly as I would and let me be the good cop once in awhile.

When I saw Sofia resisting to her mommy, I immediately got into my role to fix things. I was about to intervene before I heard "I miss you mommy".

"I miss you mommy. When will you come?"

"I miss you, I miss you too sweetie. I miss you so much. I won't be able to come for awhile. But you know what? Even though I won't be able to come sooner… as soon as I want, I miss you every day. You are my daughter and I miss you every day. There isn't a single minute I don't think about you. I think about you all the time. I love you so … so much."

"I love you too mommy."

"You should know I want to know everything you do at school, at home, at the park, everything you laugh at, everything you think good or bad. I want to know and all of them are important to me. You are the most important person in my life. Will you promise me to tell me everything? Good or bad everything." Where was this coming from?

"Yes mommy"

"You know I love you whatever you do, good or bad. I will always love you. I will never leave you. Maybe I am not with you now but I am with you."

"Huh?"

"I'm your mother and I love you. So promise me that you will tell me everything, even the things that will make me angry or upset."

"Promise mommy"

"Good. Promise me that you will tell your mama everything too. Even the things that can make her angry. She loves you… and she will always love you very much. We both love you very much, no matter what happens." What was going on with Arizona?

Sofia stayed silent for a few seconds and then she nodded. "Promise mommy!"

"Good! Now goodbye my little girl! Go and be awesome!"

"Not little mommy!"

"Go and be awesome, big girl"

"Bye mommy!" I couldn't help but listen and check the phone screen halfway through their conversation and paid extra attention to not being seen by Arizona. I didn't know what to say when all of a sudden Sofia handed me the phone. Something was strange. Arizona looked awful. She looked exhausted, tired, emotional and… something I couldn't describe. I wanted to ask what it was but it had been so long since the last time we had a heart to heart conversation. It was strange but I felt like I was in uncharted territory.

"Take good care of our little girl Callie"

"I will. I am."

"Bye"

"Bye"

Something strange, something I had no idea was happening in Seattle.

.

.

.

Unlike the early drama we had at home, my day turned out to be a great one at the hospital. When the chief asked me to go to his office, I didn't have any idea what to think or feel about. We barely knew each other and spent very little time after the job interview when I had first arrived. I wasn't the head of my department anymore so I didn't need to waste my time in extra meetings with the department heads and the chief.

When I entered his room, I saw he wasn't alone but with an army officer with many stars on his shoulder. After all the time I spent with the war veterans, I could say his rank was at least some kind of a "general".

"Dr. Torres, please come in. This is General Willey."

"General Phillip Willey"

"General Willey, sir"

"Dr. Torres. Pleased to meet you finally. I've heard a lot about you and the purpose of my visit is specifically meeting you."

"You did? Thank you."

"I've heard that your veteran program has been very successful on the west coast. I've heard many praises about you both from the veterans and their officers. Some of them are back and serving our country at the warzones, all around the world, in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"I'm honored"

"I was telling Chief Manson that we'd like to start the same program you had in Seattle, first in New York and then countrywide. We are willing to fund the whole program from Medicare-Eligible Retiree Health Fund. I talked to Major Hunt and he said 30 million dollars would be enough for the first part of the program but he advised me to talk to you first. You can have other ideas and plans. He speaks highly of you."

Oh my god! Owen! Owen Hunt! I love you Owen! Of course, I was screaming silently in my mind but I am sure my huge smile and eyes were already showing my ecstasy.

"Yes, Sir. We started the program together and we worked together for more than 10 years. Major Hunt is the most important reason for the existence of the program."

"Good. I'm leaving you our draft proposal." He left a fairly big yellow envelope on the table. "We are expecting a 5 years long program with the feasibilities, budgets, research topics and all necessary topics included. Major Timothy Lewis will be responsible for the program He will meet you next week for the details. I personally wanted to meet you Dr. Torres, the heroine who saves Heros."

"Thank you so much, Sir. I'm doing nothing compared to what they, you have been doing."

"No Dr. Torres. You have been serving your country in the best way you can. That's why I want you to run this program and make this hospital, the center of this program. I asked Major Hunt about how and why you started your research specifically about amputees but he didn't say much. How did you start it?"

Oooops I wasn't expecting this question. I guess my smile disappeared because the General's face softened for a few seconds and he said;

"You don't need to reply of course. If you don't want to share,"

"No. I don't mind. My wife los...My ex-wife lost her leg because of a plane crash. I started because of her."

"That must have been very difficult for you. You came up with a remedy for thousands despite all the difficulties and sorrow. Another reason for me to work with you."

After the General left, I explained our previous program to the chief and we discussed all the possibilities for the program and the hospital. 30 million dollars…This amount was just a start for the first phase and the hospital would be benefiting a lot from the program. I could see his admiration while he asked me for an extra 4 years contract extension. Who could say no to such an important career opportunity? He was offering an extra advanced lab with a research team of 5 or even more if want, extra funds for my possible future projects and a blank check for me to fill out as my salary. I'm sure he had a limit but… He was trying to keep the hen laying the golden eggs and he was certainly succeeding.

The people in this hospital weren't as connected as Grey Sloan but the news was certainly spreading as fast as Grey Sloan. Besides my usual lunch buddies Rajesh and Sherry, all the department heads and the other mortal other doctors were trying to sit at my table. I was the winner again. New York could be my new permanent home. I could feel it. I need to call and thank Owen.

.

.

.

I don't know how I kept my mouth shut until Sofia went to bed. I haven't been so happy for a long time. I was over the moon. I could dance in my underwear till morning. I was expecting a huge celebration, a wild sexy celebration in bed while I was telling my day to Penny.

"You signed a 4 years extension contract without discussing with me?! Or even telling me?!"


	5. Sadness

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio & Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 5

Sadness

Callie's POV

Previously:

"You signed a 4 years extension contract without discussing with me?! Or even telling me?!"

…

"Major Hunt! Thank you for promoting me to General Willey."

"Hey, Callie! You're welcome. Glad to hear from you. How is it going in New York?"

"Ok. How is marriage going?"

"Just ok? I was expecting something better than ok."

"Are you talking about me or your marriage, Owen?"

"Huh, both I guess. I can use a drink after work as we used to."

"That bad, huh? I can too. Despite your ugly ties." We both laughed at both sides of the country.

"Amelia doesn't want to have a baby with me. She disappeared and I don't know where she is. Apparently, none of my wives wants to have a baby with me."

"I hear you. Penny thinks I don't respect her for extending my contract for the veteran program. She says I make all the decisions by myself as if I didn't move across the country and drag my daughter for her or as if she hasn't been telling me how happy she has been in New York. Anyway, how is the hospital? Anything new? Arizona sounded strange yesterday."

"Same same. It has been hectic and chaotic as usual. Let's see, Bailey brought someone new for vision and renovation of the residency program. Everyone is revolting against her. I'm pretty much Switzerland. Deluca sued Alex for smashing his face."

"What? Wait what?"

"Sorry, Callie. I'm paged. Talk to you soon."

…

What was going on in Seattle? I am still the board member and I must know all the stories over there. I texted Meredith "Hello Meredith, call me when you are available." In a few minutes, my phone rang.

"That was quick. Glad you aren't in the middle of a long operation."

"I'm suspended so I have all the time of the world for you. How are you? How is New York?"

"What? You are suspended? Why? I mean I left Seattle for a few weeks and you are suspended?"

"Well, Bailey thinks Minnick is more important than me and Webber."

"Who is Minnick? Wait! Is chief suspended too?"

"No, he is downgraded. Minnick is the new woman running the residency program."

"This is crazy!"

"Things have been crazy since you've gone. Alex beat Deluca and he got sued. Yesterday all day, I was running around from prison to prison. Deluca withdrew his file so at least he isn't going to jail."

"Was Arizona with you?"

"Robbins? No. I was alone, searching Alex and figuring out the trial result."

"Why was she in prison then?"

"Was she in prison? I have no idea."

Apparently, Arizona was feeling bad about Alex. She always loved him even when she had been really mad at him. She was also disturbed by Webber's downgrade by this Minnick woman. They've unexpectedly become very close after our divorce. God, she had used to cry every time she had to confront him. I feel there is more to this weirdness. I wanted to call Bailey to figure out Arizona's weirdness but didn't feel like fighting with her about this Minnick issue. We were in good terms when I left but not the best terms because of our differences of opinions on me leaving and the whole custody trial charade. What has Bailey been doing?

…

Three nights of screaming, slamming the doors, sleeping in different rooms and no makeup sex were driving me crazy. Was "this" what I moved here for?

"You don't hear me. I'm not saying I don't want you to extend your contract. You should have discussed it with me first."

"Why is this a big issue? What is there to discuss? You keep saying you like New York. I like New York. Sofia likes it here. This is a big opportunity for me. What are we going to discuss?"

This was a vicious circle and it didn't seem like it will end anytime soon. This was a deja vu. I had been here before. I moved here because of her. I already gave a lot to be with her. What else does she want from me? And I moved here for her. I took a step back and took a deep breath. I gave a lot for this relationship and I wouldn't let a simple disagreement ruin it. Did I jump the guns again?

"Ok. I jumped the guns. Is it ok for you if I extend my contract? Because I really want this project to succeed." Penny's face was blank for a few seconds before a big smile.

"Yes! Yes! I really want you to have whatever you want in life."

"Tooorreeees! You are finally getting laid tonight!" That was what Mark was saying in my mind. "Makeup sex is the best sex," I said silently to myself.

…

With the veteran project, my slow and boring life turned into a hectic and interesting one. I was always working on the project if I'm not in the OR or ER or a patient's room. I was spending more time in the hospital than at home. Penny and Sofia were spending more time with each other than me with any of them. I was so happy that they were getting along so well. After meeting with Major Timothy Lewis, I call him Tim now, we came up with a pretty good plan and budget. He is a practical and smart guy who had run similar programs before. In the last 4 days, we interviewed more than 50 candidates whose CVs are carefully screened, assessed and forwarded by HR. We met very good candidates as well as some weirdos. Frankly, after so many interviews I could say ok to any of them but Tim was a perfectionist "officer" and he wouldn't let me or anyone else accept a team less than almost perfect. With the interviews and several trauma operations, it had been a while since I talked to any of my girls.

After the final interview around 19:00, I was leaving the hospital quickly so that I could tug my daughter in bed even if I can't catch her dinner time. I was missing my time with her and I'm sure she was too.

"Dr. Torres! Do you have a minute for me?" One of the candidates was waiting for me at the hospital entrance.

"I am sorry Dr…" I had no idea what her name was. I didn't stop walking but she started to walk with me.

"Dr. Garofo, Dr. Janeane Garofo."

"Sorry, . It really isn't a good time. I'm really in a rush at the moment."

"I can walk with you to your car or subway". She continued with a perky voice and a huge smile.

"Sorry." I really didn't have time for her.

…

When I arrived home, Sofia's dinner was already over and Penny was tugging her in bed.

"I'm here! I'm here!"

"Mamaaa!" She hugged me. "I miss you."

"I miss you, too."

"I asked my friend Emily to come home with me on Friday. Can she stay with me Mama? Pleassse! Please mama!"

"Ok. Ok. We need to talk to Emily's parents first. If they say ok,"

"Olleeey! I love you mama!"

I spent an extra half an hour in Sofia's bed to catch up with my little girl and she fell asleep in my arms.

"I was planning to ask you to join me at Tony's birthday party on Friday. I still couldn't introduce you to my friends."

"Oh! Sorry baby. You go have and have fun. I promise I will make it up to you soon. When we got over with the recruitment process, I'll have a team of five running all my errands, most of the research and I will have plenty of time for you. So what have you done with Sofia? "

"She rehearsed her dance moves every day. We have watched "inside out" every other day. She just doesn't tell me why she keeps watching that movie. She face-timed Arizona every other day. All seems fine."

…

Later that night, I heard Sofia screaming and I ran to her room as fast as I could. Penny was sleeping like a stone.

"Wake up baby! I'm here."

"Mommmmy! I want mommy!"

"What is it Sofia? I'm here."

"I was flushing the rabbit to the toilet and.. and" she was sobbing. "it was a mistake mama! It was a mistake. And she was passing from pipes and jumping into a forest but… the trees were burning. The rabbit will burn mama! I killed the rabbit." She was crying.

"It was just a dream Sofia. There is no rabbit. It was just a dream."

"I want to talk to mommy!" She was insisting and I gave up.

"Hello, Arizona. Sorry for calling you so late."

"Is everything ok? Is Sofia ok?"

"Yes, yes, she is. She just had a nightmare and she wants to talk to you."

When I handed Sofia the phone, she quickly summarized her nightmare. I could hear Arizona's voice.

"No sweetie you didn't kill her. You saved her life."

"Really mommy? How?"

"You know the forest is home of the rabbits. She would be unhappy because she was away from home. By flushing her to the forest, you helped her to go home."

"But she'll burn mommy."

"No, she won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because you know the rabbits are one of the fastest animals in the forest and she will run so fast that she will escape from the fire. In any case, you know it was just a dream. Right?"

Sofia exhaled loudly and smiled.

"Yes, mommy. Thank you. I miss you mommy."

"I miss you too."

After they hang up, I stayed in Sofia's bed for a few minutes.

"When you don't come home and stay at the hospital long, I miss you mama."

"I know. I miss you too."

"I miss mommy a lot mama. Because you come home and.. And I forget .. I don't know… many days passed after I saw her.." She was crying again.

"I know baby. I know. But you will see her soon." And I was lying to my daughter because I didn't know how to soothe her and there were months to Christmas when she would be seeing her mommy.

Sofia's POV

"Dear journal

I had a very bad dream yesterday. I flash my rabbit. And she went to forest. And there was big fire. I cried because my rabbit will die. But mommy say I save her. Because rabbit home is forest and my rabbit run fastest. I say mama I miss mommy. After mama go I didnt sleep. I think about my rabbit and mommy and mama.

I hear mamas voice in lifing room. I see her. She didnt see me. She cried. I never say mama I miss mommy again. Because she get sad. Like sadnes in inside out. I dont want mama be sadnes…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Sofia is referring to "Inside out"; Disney - Pixar animated film that tells the story of a kid who moved to a new city and struggled with her different emotions during her adaptation. Sadness is one of the important emotions and so the characters of the movie.


	6. Joy

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio & Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 6

Joy

Callie's POV

"Good morning Dr. Torres! Janeane Garofo. You can call me Janeane. " The same candidate greeted me at the hospital entrance that I left her. It was 7 am in the morning.

"Dr. Garofo, did you sleep here?"

"No. I came really early. I would sleep here if that was the only way to talk to you. I hope you have a minute for me now." She was speaking super fast. I needed to pay extra attention to comprehend what she was saying. I checked the clock over the nurse station. I had to be in the OR in 15 minutes.

"You have 5 minutes Janeane. Walk with me." I was on my way to the attendings room to change.

"Dr. Torres I know you are looking for the best for your team and you deserve the best. 'cause I know all the awesome work you have done over the years, not only your prosthetic research but also you building cartilage from scratch, your other magical surgeries like one leg situated in the middle of the pelvis, building new legs for polio patients who couldn't walk before you, many pelvises, legs, arms, hands, all kinds of bones structured by a super artist. And I'm not here to flatter you. I didn't have enough chance to properly introduce myself during the cross-examination of the colonel. I am more than what's written in my CV. I don't know if you heard of e-NABLE movement? "

I was in the attendings room changing and getting ready for OR. I know it wasn't really proper to change in front of a candidate but I really didn't have much of chance.

"Breath Janeane. How do you speak so fast? Yeah, the volunteers that print prosthetic hands and arms."

"Yes. Besides what I explained during the interview, I've been contributing to the models we have been building in the project. You know for ABS, Amniotic Band Syndrome "

"I know what ABS is."

"Of course you do. It is rare here. You can see 1 in 7,500 but there are countries, especially the developing ones, where they identify 1 in 1200 infants. So many kids suffer because their families can't afford a prosthetic arm or hand and for the ones that can afford, they grow so fast that when the prosthetic limb is ready, it is too late and it wouldn't fit the kid anymore. You know the production process of these prosthetics. So we have been using 3D printers to make free and low-cost prosthetic upper limb devices mostly for children and also sometimes adults in need. We have a great network in over 100 countries so that these kids and the people in need don't suffer from ABS. Of course, there are also always other causes; war, natural disaster, illness or accidents. And without even knowing, you contributed to this movement and limb models."

"I did? How?" I could feel my face was shining because of my smile. I wasn't expecting to make such an impact when I started this research.

"Indirectly you did. I studied all your researches from day one till now and I shared the parts that can help our models or the movement. So yes you contributed to improving many lives all around the world. I guess around 8000 people benefited from your contribution. And besides you, I've been following the whole literature not for my work but for enabling the kids. Our motto is "Give the World a Helping Hand" and there are so many heroes all around the world. Once there was a volunteer working in a bank, I guess he was from South Africa. Anyway, he said he was using finger pads, a kind of gripper to count the bills faster so we studied the finger pads material and improved the gripping of the limbs. So if you pick me, you will benefit from my extra-curriculum knowledge that will be very relevant to your research. Besides I'm in awe of your creativity and… I'm very hardworking and basically… the very best you can find."

"Very humble as well." I chuckled. Her energy was infectious.

"As well? You said as well! So you agree that I'm the best and you pick me?" She was looking at me with very hopeful and anxious eyes.

"I didn't say I pick you!" I laughed. She studied my face and smiled with relief and enthusiasm.

"But you will!"

I smiled and she left the scrubbing room. I couldn't hold myself, gave up 70 seconds of scrubbing and opened the door to check what she was doing. She was jumping one fist in the air; "she will pick me! 'cause I'm super!"

I was laughing and shaking my head when I restarted scrubbing. I don't remember laughing so much and feeling such energy for a long time.

"Yes, I will. Yes, I will Janeane. Janeane Garofo"

…

The next day I convinced Tim about Janeane and finalized the rest of the team. This was my program and I wanted her in my team.

…

After the first week with the new team, everything started to go smoother. I had more time for home, Sofia and Penny. Sofia was adapting better to her school, her teacher Mrs. Andrews and her friends especially Emily. Unexpectedly she hasn't mentioned missing Arizona after the nightmare night.

The best thing about New York is it is close to everywhere in the world; Los Angeles, Miami and even Zurich. I figured this out today. My lab's door opened in a rush.

"I can find my way nurse… Ellen."

" wouldn't like anyone to disturb her when she is her lab, mam."

"Doctor. . I'm sure she wouldn't mind…"

"Cristina? Cristina!" "It's ok Ellen."

"Callie! So you finally left Grey Sloan Mercy Death, too. I wouldn't believe in a thousand years."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I said ok for an operation when it coincided with an international conference. New York is closer to Zurich than Seattle."

She was telling how Burke handed his program to her and the international programs she has been cooking when Janeane rushed into the lab.

"I think I found a superb solution for your nerve questions! You will love it !"

"Why is she chirping? ?" Cristina imitated Janeane with an almost perky voice.

"Ooops! Sorry, I didn't know you had a visitor." And she left the way she entered the room.

"Well, she is like that. Chirpy!" I chuckled.

"You know you always want similar people around you. This is your type. Chirpy!."

"What type?"

"Rollerskates, butterflies, perky, chirpy, you name it, people like this!"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So is your Derek killer girlfriend like this? Chirpy?" Of course, Cristina knew all the Derek Penny story and she loved Derek as much as any of us, if not more. I quickly closed the topic. She couldn't stay long but we agreed for dinner for her next visit; possibly next month.

I am glad New York is closer to most of the world than Seattle.

It is closer to most of the world, anywhere except Seattle.

…

Today was a big day for Sofia. Her new best friend Emily was staying with her for a slumber party for the first time. She had been waiting for this day for almost two weeks. After we agreed about the date with Emily's mother, Karen, Emily caught chickenpox and could go to the school for a week. So we had to postpone the big day to today. Sofia cleaned her room, prepared all her toys, books, movies yesterday. There was no way they could play with all or watch all the movies and there was no way to convince a 7-year-old the reasoning too.

Of course, Sofia selected "Inside out" for the night. They were watching it under a tent we had built yesterday. When I brought some popcorn to cheer up the girls more, I heard their conversation.

"I love this movie, Emily."

"Me too. Joy is so funny." She chuckled.

" Yes! Joy is the bestest! Do you know who is like Joy?"

"Who?"

"My mommy! She is like Joy. She is the bestest."

"That is so cool!"

…

I thought about Sofia, Inside out and Janeane. Sofia and I,... We were both looking for some joy in our lives.

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Sofia is referring to "Inside out"; Disney - Pixar animated film that tells the story of a kid who moved to a new city and struggled with her different emotions during her adaptation. Joy is one of the important emotions/characters who reminds me of Arizona Robins very much.


	7. Been there, done that

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio & Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 7

Been there, done that

Callie's POV

"Rachel said they finally met the mystery girlfriend last night. She really exists."

"What?!"

"Penny's girlfriend! She exists."

"Oh ok! I really need to finish this report for Professor Stoll. I don't have time for this." The guy was reading something from his iPad.

"Yeah but you gotta listen. This is goooood. Rachel said Penny's girlfriend is really something."

I was planning to surprise Penny when I heard two residents talking in a very crowded elevator in Penny's hospital. I was, I am really something. I paid more attention with a huge smile on my face.

"She is a cougar!"

"What?!" the guy said.

What!? What the hell were they talking about? I couldn't help but turned back to look at the girl who called me a cougar. A cougar!? She was too busy talking about me so she didn't notice my stare.

"They told me that she is really old. She is probably using her as a sex toy, a young woman to serve her in bed."

I don't know if I reacted just in my head or out loud. "Really old!? What?. Sex toy? Huh, I wish." I mean we are compatible in bed but Penny is nothing like…Anyway.

"I thought cougar was only used for heteros. Rachel is probably exaggerating. Plus it is none of our business."

"C'mooon. Sarah and Jackie agree with Rachel but they call her sugar mama rather than a cougar. She pays for a great apartment next to the central park and you know where we all stay. I mean with the resident salary" And the elevator arrived at Penny's floor. We all got out of the elevator on the same floor and I just followed them to find out where Penny was. Just as I guessed, they took me to the residents' lounge where Penny and her gang were.

"Surprise!" I gave Penny a peck in front of everyone. I could see her happiness in her eyes but I was mad, really mad, not at her but at her gang, or at the chatterbox or Rachel, Sarah, and Jackie, or my failure by thinking that they really liked me the night before or the truth; there was some truth in what they were saying…maybe all. I didn't know the real reason but I was mad and it was impossible for me to keep it inside.

"Hi!"

I directly looked at the face of the chatterbox. She was in shock, blushing and seeing her face red was a little bit of a relief. Then I turned to Rachel with Torres cards in my hand.

"Hey, Rachel! I brought these Torres cards for you to pass the board exams that you couldn't pass for the second or the third time." I showed the cards and put them back to my bag.

"Oh thank you, Dr. Torres."

"But we cougars give such precious methods only to the ones that deserve! And apparently, I was mistaken about you last night! But I had an enlightening 5-floor elevator trip a few minutes ago! "

Rachel's jaw was on the floor and I was feeling a little bit better.

"This cougar came up with her methods when she was so many years younger than you are now and passed all the exams with the highest grades always at her first attempts. And yes you were right last night. This is the method helped Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey pass their exams, too."

I turned to Penny who was in shock as well as her friends. I pulled her from her belly to myself.

"I thought I could take you to lunch today. You know… to thank for.. last night." I emphasized the last night with a steamy voice. I turned to the gang and blinked one eye with a big smile. I continued.

"Your sugar mama made two reservations…both at Per Se and Daniel at the same time. Whatever you choose baby?" There was nothing wrong about exaggerating a little bit more.

Now Penny's jaw was on the floor, too.

"Callie, what are you talking about?"

"Let's talk about these at lunch." She nodded. I turned to all of them and smiled. A big exaggerated smile as my show.

"It was a pleasure to see you, all of you again." I pulled Penny towards to the door. I wanted to leave but there was a monster in me that made me turned back.

"Would you talk about me like that if I were a man? I would be a McDreamy! What say you chatterbox?" There was a huge silence in the room.

I stopped in front of the no-nonsense or sensible resident who had been absent the night before.

"What's your name?"

"Tom."

"Callie Torres. A pleasure to meet you, Tom." I shook his hand. "You are very welcomed to ask me whatever you need, cards, methods, anything a friend can offer." I smiled but my smile was a genuine one.

After we left the hospital, it was Penny's turn to be mad. We went to the central park. I was planning to get some hotdogs from our favorite cart but I changed my mind because she was really mad.

"What the hell was that in there?!" I told her the elevator chat. She got pissed at her friends for calling me those names and talking about me like that but she also got mad at me for attacking all her friends before discussing with her. She knew them for a few months for god's sake! What friends?! We had to cut our fight short because she had to go back to meet Professor Stoll, her slave driver. The night wasn't any better.

"You make my life hell both at the hospital and at home!"

"What?! How am I the reason for this?! Do you stand with your friends!?"

"My methods! My cards! My this! My that! Highest grades! Best awards! Not everyone is a superstar like you! Or your superstar friends! Or you superstar ex-…! Whatever! You don't respect my friends!"

"Respect your friends! Respect your friends? How do they deserve my respect? Ok, some won a prestigious grant but most of them are useless brainless chatterboxes! And after meeting them I question the idiots who approved their grants! Oh no! Geniuses actually! That's how they get rid of them from their hospitals and let poor Stoll deal with them!"

"You don't respect me!"

"They called me a cougar! What does that make me?! Is this how you respect me? They called me a sugar mama! What does that make you? Is this how "YOUR FRIENDS" respect you? Is this how you respect yourself?!"

After slamming the doors many times, crying in different rooms and apologizing from each other for passing the lines we shouldn't have, we managed to go back to our bed but there were miles between us in the bed.

Last night was the first night after Seattle that I turned from one side to another in bed continuously. Questions, questions, questions… "Am I really too old for her? So what is wrong if I'm making more and paying most of our expenses? Am I her equivalent? Is she my equivalent? Not only moneywise but considering life experience, work experience, expectations, is she my equivalent? Is this a problem? Why is this a problem? When was the last time I was accepted in any group with my partner? Is this important? Why is it important? Was I trying to avoid meeting Penny's friends because I already knew all the answers? Is this another George case?"

Which of these questions was she asking on the other side of the bed? Or some other questions like if I was taking advantage of her sexually as her friends claimed? Or some other stupid questions? What were her answers? We've never talked…I knew "not talking" wasn't good but I was more scared of how the talking would end than the distanced silence… "Am I repeating the same mistake as I did with …? Whatever."

.

.

.

Penny had a huge fight with her friends except for Tom. It took her a few weeks to make up with them and come to some terms. I don't know the details. We made up faster, in a few days but I noticed she stopped talking about her friends or asking me out if she'd hang up with them. She started compartmentalizing. Something was broken…

.

.

.

"Hey! Are you ok?"

"Oh God! Janeane!" I jumped. I was so focused on the new material research for hours that I had forgotten Janeane and Mel, another genius member of my team were with me in the lab.

"You've been silent for hours. Mel and I asked several questions and you didn't even hear us. Are you ok?"

"I was trying something new! Your research on the materials is very good and if I can adapt it to Mel's prosthesis production method, I can come up with a solution for a better, lighter, faster functioning limb that can even be produced in the field or the developing countries as your projects. You need to let me work.I must focus"

"Sometimes breaks are necessary to increase personal efficiency and effectiveness Dr. Torres. Why don't you join me, actually us for dinner and a drink Dr. Torres?"

I checked the time. It was half-past eight. I had already informed Penny and Sofia that I would be late. I could go have dinner and a glass of wine and come back to finalize my work.

"Who is us? Are you coming, Mel?"

"No, Dr. Torres. It's better if I head home. I've got this headache."

Janeane was playing with her phone while I was talking to Mel.

"Ok. Let's go, Janeane. Where are you taking me? I hope somewhere not far."

"Alright! Let's go!"

"No chirping Janeane!"

"Ok. Dr. Torres."

She took me to a french bistro a few blocks from the hospital. She walked directly to a table when she entered the bistro. The handsome guy who was sitting at that table, jumped forward to welcome her. Oooo hooo! What a welcome! They shared a passionate kiss.

Apparently she wasn't playing with her phone but texting her boyfriend at the hospital.

"Dr. Torres, this is… Conor."

"Dr. Torres, nice to meet you! I heard a lot about you. Janeane can't stop talking about you, how you inspire her and the differences you make for all your patients and the whole world!" He sweetly shook my hand.

"So this is the boyfriend!" Janeane blushed when she heard my "boyfriend" remark. Maybe they hadn't had "the talk" yet or maybe she was slow at relation-status perception like…whatever.

"Yes, I am the boyfriend!" Conor smiled and spoke to Janeane instead of me.

So our Janeane had a boyfriend who I knew nothing of. He was an officer in the United Nations. A junior one of course. He was less perky, a lot badass compared to Jeanne. He was very passionate about politics and kept passionately talking about international politics all dinner long; wealth distribution problems, the gap between the developed and developing world, his missions to Africa, Latin America…Their respect for each other was obvious. There was this spark between them. When one of them was talking, they were looking at each other as if none of the rest of the world exists, but only her or him. It was very difficult for them to keep their hands away from each other. They were continuously touching each other, a hand on the arm, on the shoulder, on the lap, hair, side of the lip to clear the sauce… I found myself watching them instead of listening to them. They were made for each other. Anyone could see, hear and feel it.

I left the lovers shortly after my one glass was over. I had thought of going home instead of the hospital but I gave up the idea quickly. On my way, I was checking how I was feeling and what I was thinking. Was I jealous? No! I was happy for Janeane. But certainly envious! I was envious of the love, the joy, the spark I had witnessed tonight.

I wasn't celibate. I had everything I wanted. My loving beautiful girlfriend and my beautiful amazing daughter were waiting for me at home. Why was I feeling like this?

I had been there. I had felt this kind of spark, love, joy before. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself to otherwise, ...not with Penny but with…Whatever.


	8. Me inside of me

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 8

Me inside of me

Callie's POV:

It was our first year anniversary with Penny and I had a reservation at Daniel, a Michelin stars restaurant. I had arranged two front seat tickets for a non-kid friendly Broadway show weeks ago. We were both looking forward to this night for weeks now. Since we had moved to New York, we couldn't have more than a few alone nights. I've been working late on Mondays and Penny was working on her research the rest of the week either at her room but mostly with her group at the hospital. Our weekends were all dedicated to Sofia. Thanks to the slumber parties at Emily's we had these a few nights for us but they had been all disasters! Either Penny had been called to the lab by Prof. Stoll or one of us had been so tired that we had just fallen asleep on the couch. Even though we were living together now, we were spending way less quality time than in Seattle. In Seattle, we had been totally free thanks to mostly Arizona, then all trustworthy babysitters tested and listed over the years, Mer, Amelia, Maggie, April, Mer's babysitter list, Bailey's babysitter list… Here it has been only Penny and me. I am grateful for Karen, Emily's mom. I don't know what I would do without her but she was nothing like what I had in Seattle.

"Mama you look really pretty!"

"Oh thank you, Sofia" I was really prepared for tonight with my black dress, high heels, leather jacket, and black make up. I even went to a hairdresser for a change.

"Sandy just called. She caught the flu. All the other babysitters in Karen's list are busy or sick!" said Penny. She was wearing a beautiful green dress that was matching her eyes. She was looking great tonight.

"What kind of city is this? We can't even get one decent babysitter for ONE night for God's sake!" I was furious and disappointed but I had no solution. I had to suck it up and move on. Penny was easy going and content as always. She always had fewer expectations than me. We celebrated our first year anniversary peacefully at home with Sofia like any other night. And the night ended just like any other night in bed, too. This wasn't what I was expecting.

.

.

.

It had been a few weeks after the anniversary and our life was peaceful and content till today. Today I felt like I was surrounded by a bunch of idiots! I had one of my worst days since I moved to New York.

The morning disaster was Penny!

"I promised Professor Stoll that I will be helping in the lab tonight."

"What?! You knew that tonight may be our only date night for weeks! Sofia will be going to Emily's!"

"Oh! I forgot.."

"You forgot! You forgot the only night we'll be alone in weeks?! Don't you wanna spend time with me anymore?!"

.

.

My team was acting like a bunch of idiots, too!

"This is a stupid report, Janeane! We are not amateur volunteers like the ones in your E-nable project! Come up with something professional!" I threw the report on the table to her.

"Okaaay. We are not very cheerful today." Janeane said.

"What were you saying?!"

"Nothing! I'm leaving."

.

I even had a fight with one of the first people who had welcomed me as a friend; the world-renowned general surgeon Dr. Rajesh Acharya. I still can't believe he couldn't see the obvious problem in the OR.

"Dr. Torres you should go with a primary repair as we discussed in pre-op."

"The artery's missing too large a piece. We'll do an interposition graft, Dr. Acharya."

"This is not what you agreed with me, Callie."

"Yeah, well, I changed my mind once I got in here and saw the extent of the defect. Don't you see how much vein length we are missing here Rajesh!"

"This interpositional graft can cause complications. We must use the saphenous vein!"

"I'm the ortho surgeon here! What is it with you general surgeons and the stupid saphenous veins?! Let's start with the PTFE graft Catherine! "

.

.

.

Our fight continued after the operation.

"You can't disregard my opinion in the OR Callie!"

"I can if your opinion is stupid!"

"Stupid!? What's wrong with you today Callie?"

"Nothing! Nothing is wrong with me Rajesh!"

.

.

.

At the end of the day, Sofia was at Emily's and Penny was at the hospital. I had no reason to go home, to an empty lonely apartment so I went to the bar at the corner of the hospital. I was drinking my second glass when Rajesh sat next to me.

"Would you mind if I join you?" I welcomed him with a nod.

He ordered a whiskey and told the barman to keep filling.

"Bad day, Rajesh?"

"Yeah, a colleague… a friend actually, called me stupid and my wife wants a divorce."

"What? I didn't know I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for today. I didn't mean…"

"I didn't know until today either."

We silently drank our drinks and the barman was quite aware of both of our potential so he kept pouring wine and whiskey to our glasses.

"So I have a WONDERFUL valid reason to be pissed off at life. What is it with you? Are getting a divorce too?"

"No, I got over that TWICE! I'm not planning to get married anytime soon again. But with me, you never know!" I laughed.

"Really? You got married and divorced twice. Wow! Any advice?"

"It will hurt. First, you will get mad at her, at life, at yourself…Then you will be sad…It will be like someone is riping your heart out of you."

"Wooohooo! I said advises! Ok, forget about it. So what is it with you?"

"No! No. I have advice. You will suck it up and move on. You will hang on to the idea that there is still happiness left for you and love… and… and some other women who you can fall in love with again."

"This is better. I don't know if I can move on…So what is it with you?"

"Nothing!"

Rajesh told me their problems all night long. His wife had no understanding of the difficulties of the surgeon's life after 7 years of marriage and she had been expecting him to act like any office worker husband that goes home at 5 o'clock. After the 5th or the sixth glass, everything got blurry. I was on my feet but I just had no idea what I was saying or hearing.

.

.

.

General POV:

It was the end of their 9th or 10th glass, Rajesh stopped. "I'm pouring my heart and life here and you are sharing "NOTHING" with me!"

"I don't know what to say so… I don't know how I feel! It' just…Everyone around me is stupid!"

"I know how you feel. You are mad. So tell me anything that comes to your mind! Right now!"

"She was wearing the grey sweater, my grey sweater! I didn't even know if she had it. After three…no! four years…Is it three or four?"

"Who is wearing your grey sweater?"

"Arizona"

"Arizona?"

"My ex-wife."

"Strange name. Ok. When did you see her wearing this grey sweater?"

"Today, early in the morning, she was speaking to Sofia. She was wearing it."

"Do you like it so much? Why is this sweater so important?"

"No. I don't like it so much. I like it. Why was she still wearing it? After three years."

"It is really difficult for me to understand you, women. What's wrong with her wearing your thing?"

"She is with someone but she still wears my sweater. Why?"

"How do you know if she is with someone? Did she say it? Or have you heard from a friend?"

"No. I know it. It is her smile. And her eyes. She is not just screwing this one, she likes this one!"

"You can understand all of these just from a few seconds on the iPad screen?"

"I can read her soul… from her smile, her eyes, the way she stands 20 meters away from me. From her shoulders."

He started laughing. "Shoulders, ha?"

"Yeah, she moves one shoulder up and back when she needs the courage to start a difficult conversation or she has this sexy shoulder move, both up and down. Her shoulders… Anyway, I just know. She wasn't looking like this after she cheated on me or after Leah or all the women she screwed when I was there. This looks different! "

"She cheated on you?!"

"All the people I married cheated on me. Why do you think I divorce?! All,… two of them cheated on me!"

"So you are mad at your ex-wife who cheated on you and whom you left on the other side of the country for wearing your grey shirt"

"Sweater!"

"Sorry sweater when her smile shows she likes someone! That's why you get mad!"

"Yeah! I must learn who she is." She pulled her telephone from her bag.

"Ill-advised!" He tried to stop her but he was too late. Whatever number she dialed was already dialed.

"Please don't tell me you are calling Arizona!"

"Of course not. Hello Bailey, did you miss me?"

"Torres! Are you drunk?"

"I am not drunk, Miranda!"

"Yes, you are. You are calling me Miranda. What is it, Torres? Did you miss your job and Seattle rain?"

"Who is Arizona screwing?"

"Why do you care Torres? It is none of your business."

"Miranda!"

"You moved on. You have your girlfriend and your daughter with you. Why do you care?"

"I need to know who my daughter will meet as her mommy's girlfriend, Bailey."

"Why don't you ask Robbins? Besides I don't know if they are girlfriends!" She turned to Rajesh and said "See, I knew it. I always know!" and turned back to her phone. "Miranda pleeease!"

"Minnick!"

"Eliza Minnick? The hospital destroyer! The one who suspended Grey?"

"Heeey! She is not a destroyer. Plus I suspended Grey!"

"Thank you, Bailey!"

She googled "Minnick" as soon as she turned off her phone.

"Orthopedic surgeon! She is an ortho surgeon my .ss!"

"Okaayy! It seems like she doesn't just have your gray sweater." He finally spoke.

"She does? I didn't make an inventory list during the divorce. It was amicable." They both laughed without really knowing what they were laughing at.

"What I'm saying is you still care if she likes someone or not."

"No, I don't!"

"You were a bulldozer all day long because you don't. It seems like you left your heart in Seattle…I mean besides your sweater.

"No! I love Penny! I finished that chapter long before Penny. I moved here because I love Penny. See? You are stupid." He laughed at her.

"Ok. Ok. Maybe it's time I should drop you home by cab."

.

.

.

Callie's POV

I woke up in an on-call room with my clothes and jacket on. My headache was killing me. I had no idea how I came here and why I was in the hospital, fully dressed. The last memory I had was listening to Rajesh telling his marriage problems while drinking wine. When I checked my phone, I saw 33 missed calls; all from Penny. Another fight was waiting for me at home.

I informed the chief that I'd be taking the day off before I head home. There was no way I could stay and be useful in any way in that condition.

I saw Rajesh at the entrance. He wasn't looking so well either.

"Hey! Next time give me your address before drinking." He said.

"Next time at least take my jacket off please!" I replied.

"Hey, I'm a married man!" He chuckled.

"Just for a short period"

"Actually I went home and begged my wife to give us another chance."

"You did?"

"Yes. I don't think this hospital can handle two grey sweater bulldozers!"

"What?" I had no idea what he was talking about.

"You don't remember most of last night. Do you?"

"No. Nothing. I hope I wasn't so bad?!"

"No, not at all. Except for calling me stupid again."

"Sorry"

"Callie..."He hesitated.

"What?"

"Maybe you should meditate and find out what you are looking for. I mean deep inside, what you really want."

"Hahaha. Are you the monk who sold his Ferrari now? What is this? A Buddhist mantra? Kickbox is more suitable for me."

He laughed. "God help me and the whole hospital!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: For the ones who are curious about which grey sweater Callie was talking about, you can check the grey sweater Callie was wearing in "Bend and Break"(season 11 episode 5) on the first day of their in house separation during breakfast and Arizona wearing the same sweater, in the deleted episode with Eliza Minnick during season 13. You can find both on youtube.


	9. Fire

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

Chapter 9

Fire

After you storm out, the first thing you have to do is damage control.

"What is wrong Janeane? Are you still mad at me?"

"Nothing, Dr. Torres. I wasn't mad at you."

"No, you look like… I don't know. Look, I'm the queen of taking my personal crap out on other people and yesterday has nothing to do with you."

"I know. I'm not mad at you."

"What is it then?"

"I don't want to talk about it. If it is ok for you? It's not about you."

Janeane wasn't chirpy today. She was trying her best to speak as if nothing had happened but her smile and her energy weren't reaching her eyes. I obviously damaged one joyful team member.

.

.

.

After a short and destructive fight, Penny was passive-aggressively avoiding me. So I played one of my Dad's tricks. Whenever my mom gets mad at my dad and avoids him, he just invites some people home to break the ice so I invited Cristina for dinner. She was visiting New York for an international congress and she was more than happy to join us instead of mingling with the other participants at the congress dinner. As I planned, Penny's ices were breaking as Cristina was sharing their stories about Meredith. Despite the Derek story, Meredith obviously put in very good words for Penny to Cristina. Penny was telling stories about how Meredith coached her through the rough surgeries. Still, the happiest of the gang was Sofia who was hardly remembering Cristina but happy to share her joy and listen to her stories.

"I don't remember you, Cristina but I saw your pictures in Zola's room."

"You did? Yes, I am her godmother, too." She turned to me and said, "I still can't believe you all chose ME as your kids' godmothers!?"

"Are you my godmother, too?"

"Yes, I am."

"Hurray! Mama, we should put Cristina's pictures in my room, too." It's unbelievable how big her heart is and how she is ready to welcome any good one to her heart and life. Then she stopped and asked "What is a godmother, mama? I have you and mommy." She was confused and I didn't know how to explain it.

"If anything happens to your mama or other mom, I will take care of you. So since nothing will happen to them, I am not someone important, Sofia" Cristina said.

"My mommy"

"Yes your mommy."

"Do you know her?"

"Of course I do."

"Is she your friend too?"

"Yes, she is."After the plane crash, Cristina and Arizona, two opposite characters, got some special connection that Arizona and Meredith or Derek didn't have because of the crash. Sofia started asking Cristina questions about her mommy, then daddy, how she was born, the old days."My mommy is telling this story better than you." she giggled.

"I bet she does,... with Mr. Bear and the bunnies!"

"There was no bunny in this story. She says I was a mini-mini-mini- me of my mama. Very tiny but very beautiful. Just like mama. That's what she says."

"No, you looked like a small monkey Sofia." They laughed.

Cristina was very happy with the chicken piccata that I had cooked.

"I think this is the best dinner I had for years. I should have never left the apartment we shared."

"You lived with mama, like Penny and mama?"

"No! No, your mama and mommy, me and Owen and most of the time Mark, your daddy and Lexie, we were all together and your mama was cooking for all of us." The life she was talking about sounded like a very very old story from ages ago. The good old times… We always had some turbulences but I don't remember a better time of my life that I felt so happy and whole.

While Penny and Cristina were chatting about Penny's fellowship and research paper, I took Sofia to bed.

"Mama, I like Cristina. She is funny." She giggled. "But I don't want her to take care of me. I just want you and mommy to be my mothers."

Even in her 7 years-long, short life, Sofia experienced many losses and traumas; loss of her daddy, separation of parents, moving almost a country away from her mommy...And no matter how optimistic she is, just like her mommy used to be, she was worrying easily for a possibility of another loss. Her words shattered my heart and surprised because she was clearly defining who she wanted and accepted as her family.

"Don't worry my little baby. We will always be here to take care of you. Your mommy and I, we are fine."

After Cristina left, we had a heart to heart conversation with Penny.

"You never told me these stories before."

"They are ancient history."

"I know so little about your past. I didn't know Cristina saved your life and Arizona saved Sofia's life. I want to know everything about you and Sofia."

"Well, we all saved each others' lives; Cristina saved Derek's life, they all saved me after the car crash, Arizona saved Zola, I helped Derek with his arm… And we couldn't save Mark, Lexie, Henry…I just want to look forward… with you. I just want a new history with you." The weight appeared on my shoulders again. I just kissed Penny to move forward and run away from the weight and the past.

.

.

.

The next day, Cristina stopped by before she took a cab to the airport.

"So you liked Penny? I'm so glad you get along well."

"Yes, she is nice."

"Nice? Nice! Is that all you can say about her?"

"Well, do you want me to compliment her or tell you what I think?"

"Since when do you consider complimenting someone and care about how I feel?"

"Well, I'm growing. Ok not so much. She is a fusion. She is nice like a fusion."

"What?"

"Do you remember, in my fifth year, I was in your service and you were building a neck from scratch? And I didn't want a bad outcome as a fifth-year resident. You were taking all the risks to come up with a longterm best solution which could also paralyze the patient if things went wrong. And you kicked me out from the case because I suggested the fusion, the safe option! That any other ortho surgeon would choose. You called fusion safe and the other surgeons lame. She is the "nice", safe fusion. She has no risk, no fire, no edge, no big surprise,…she is nice. fusion"

I wasn't prepared for this reply and I wished I hadn't asked this question.

"I never forget what you advised that day. Don't let the fifth year get to you!"

I got what she meant. I gulped and came up with a quick reply.

"Well, life is not always like an operation. I already took too many risks and got paralyzed many times. Sometimes fusion is better…"

"As long as you know, you chose the fusion."

"What?"

"You don't uproot your life for a fusion, Callie. If you know you chose fusion,…"

"I love her."

"Yes." She chuckled.

"What?"

"I was there when you were with George, Hahn, Arizona,... You were hardly single. I know how love and pretentious love look on you."

"You don't get it."

"I do. You will do whatever you feel like doing no matter what anybody says. That's what we always do. We always get each other, Callie."

.

.

.

After tugging Sofia to bed, I went inside. Penny was standing in the middle of the room with a shocked face.

"Did you see this?" She showed me the television screen.

"…Most of the patients are evacuated and the critical patients have been already transferred to other hospitals in Seattle. We still couldn't reach the chief of the hospital or any other responsible but there are still some patients and doctors inside. Five minutes ago, there was an explosion at one of the top floors. As you see, the smoke on the top floors is covering the entire hospital. If there are still any patients, doctors or hospital employees inside, they are facing smoke and explosion risks besides fire. The firefighters still couldn't reach the top floors….The oxygen pipes are boosting the fire…" It was Grey Sloan Memorial!

"Oh my God!" Arizona! Arizona could be there, inside the hospital. I felt the fear burning me. I was zoomed back to the plane crash night. "Callie, this is Owen. Cristina's, Arizona's plane,… they never arrived at Boise airport."

Then I remembered my conversation with Sofia the night before. Oh, God! The fire in me grew bigger. I should have never promised Sofia that we would be fine. I mean with our history what was I thinking?

I immediately picked up my phone and dialed Meredith.

"Hello Mer, Are you ok? Is everyone ok?"

"I'm fine. It is chaotic here. I don't know who is fine or not, Callie."

"Is Arizona ok?"

"I don't know… wait a second." "Aleeex, Aleeeex, have you seen Robbins?" She was calling the right person. Alex would know if Arizona was alright.

"Why do you care?" Alex asked. Freaking Karev, why don't you just reply?!

"Of course I care Alex."

"Not unless there is a plane crash. Is it Torres on the phone?"

"Yes"

"Tell her she is fine. I saw her 5 minutes ago, she was calming a pregnant woman with triplets in an ambulance."

.

.

.

I exhaled.


	10. Who Goes, Who Stays, Who Decides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studio & Shonda Rhimes. No copyright infringement is intended. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

After weeks of rehearsals at school and at home, Sofia was very excited about their dance show today. It was only a twenty minutes show for the parents but she has been waiting for this event for weeks. Unlike me, my mini diva was in love with the stage.

She has been in front of the mirror for more than half an hour now.

"Mama, does my tutu look good? Is it ok like this? Or like this?"

"Penny, I didn't like my hair. I don't want braids. I want a bun." Penny was extremely patient with her.

"You wanted braids five minutes ago and you look great, Sofia."

"I didn't like it."

"Ok. Let's make a bun. You will look pretty whatever we do with your hair." She smiled at me when she started doing her hair, again for the fifth time in the last 30 minutes.

I wasn't as patient as Penny because we would be late if we didn't leave in five minutes. I wonder why I always end up being the bad cop who pushes things to keep up.

"Enough Sofia. We will be late for your show. Come on! March march! Let's go!"

As we arrived at the school, she ran to her friends to go to backstage and she ran back in two minutes.

"Mama! Penny! Don't forget the video for mommy!" And she ran back without listening to our replies.

We found two front seats and started waiting for the show to begin. I received a text from Tim. There was a problem with the project and he was trying to extend the project time and push the first major step in the field for a few months. He was asking for my opinion about the presentation he mailed. I started checking it from my phone and texting my replies. We started exchanging videos and presentations with the texts. Next to me, Penny was reading and writing somethings I didn't get, for Dr. Stoll and her team. When the show started, we both stopped for a while but Tim and Stoll had no intention to stop. Sofia didn't appear in the first five groups. It had been at least an hour before she showed up on the stage. Then I forgot the world. Probably I was more excited than her. She would be dancing in front of at least a hundred parents, maybe more. My hands got wet and I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. Okay, I'm admitting, I prayed many times in my head for her in those two minutes when she appeared. She smiled at us; me and Penny before the music started. I checked Penny sitting next to me. She was smiling, she looked happy but she wasn't excited as I was. Actually, she wasn't excited at all. I even saw her checking her texts a few times. Then I remembered I needed to shoot the video for Arizona. I immediately picked my phone and started the photo-video app. I took a few pictures before figuring out how to switch to video shooting from photo shooting. Then first I saw "two percent" battery on the screen before my phone went dead!

"Penny, my phone went dead. I need your phone for the video."

"Oh, no!"

"What?"

"My battery! Three percent!" She tried shooting a short video but her trial was hopeless, too.

Sofia was looking and smiling at us each time she was dancing in front of us. I was smiling with pride and happiness. When her group's dance finished, I applauded as if I watched Marta Graham live. I had tears in my eyes. As I looked next to me, I saw Penny happily cheering for Sofia, too. We smiled at each other. Since my arrival here, it was the first time I really wished Arizona was here with us. I couldn't stop myself and thought she would have been so happy and proud to see our baby being such a star on the stage. She would never miss this chance if we were in the same city but it was crazy to fly six hours to watch Sofia for twenty minutes and fly six more hours to go back home.

As the show finished, Sofia ran to me and hugged me with a huge smile.

"Did you like it, mama?" She asked as if both Penny and I weren't cheering for her every single night.

"You were amazing Mija! You were a star up there."

"Did you like it, Penny?"

"You were great!"

"Did you get the video mama?"

.

.

.

"I hate you!" Sofia slammed her room's door. My little girl shut herself as she heard we couldn't shoot the short video she had been asking for. The victory and ecstasy in her eyes changed into anger and disappointment among her tears and pout.

"Sofiaaaa! Come back here! You can't slam the door! Young lady, you are not even fifteen yet! You just can't slam the door!"

Her room's door opened.

"I hate you for coming here to New York!" She yelled at me.

"And I hate you. We came here because of you!" She yelled at Penny.

"I hate you both!" and she slammed the door.

I got so mad, I guessed I switched from English to Spanish. I was like a bull seeing the red and not being able to stop attacking it. I rushed in her room and started yelling;

"You go wherever your mom goes! You can't disrespect us like this! You can't slam the doors!..." I really don't remember what I was saying but I was yelling mostly in Spanish and sometimes in English.

And my daughter obviously inherited my temper and bravery!?

"My other mom stayed home in Seatle. I have two moms." I had nothing to say.

I left her room.

Penny was looking at me worriedly.

"Sorry! I don't know what to say." She never knew what to say, it was never her place to talk about Sofia or this or that. She was never really taking responsibility for anything. I was mad and unstoppable!

"For once, step up and know what to say for God's sake! For once, be there when I need you and give me what I lack! For once, have a full battery! For once!" Before she could reply I continued.

"She would never run out of battery if it's for Sofia!" What was I saying? I stopped and got shocked by my words. If it was Arizona, that freaking video would be shot no matter what. Her battery would have never gone dead, not for Sofia, not for me, … never. She was a control freak. She lost control only once; during the storm night. What was I thinking? What was I saying? I needed to calm down before I pass the point of no return. Penny was becoming collateral damage in an accidental day. I stopped, took a deep breath and said "Sorry…I didn't mean…I just don't know what to do."

Penny's face was red but I couldn't read if she was mad or sad or confused. She opened her mouth, first, no words came out and then; "I better go." And she left the apartment. She was leaving me when I needed her the most… When I need her fighting for our relationship, telling me I had made the right decisions and holding me tight till I calm down.

.

.

.

Sofia refused to eat dinner. I peeped from her door once in a while. She was writing to a notebook, nonstop for hours, till she heard Arizona's ring for the facetime. She walked to me with a sad face and talked to me for the first time after our fight.

"What am I going to say to Mommy? I promised her the video."

"Don't worry. It was my mistake. I'll tell her."

"But she will be sad."

"I have an idea Mija."

Instead of Sofia, I replied to Arizona's call. She was looking stunning! She was wearing a blue ruffle blouse that I had never seen before. Her cheeks were pink and she was certainly having a great hair day. She was looking shinny; glowing, not like the previous time I had seen her. I could sense Minnick was gone. With Minnick, she seemed satisfied by a fulfilling connection but today she seemed satisfied but really satisfied in bed. (!) Oh God! What kind of day was this? I was so glad my face didn't turn green and showed my feelings. We just looked at each other for a few seconds. She wasn't expecting me on the other side of the line. 'cause we were avoiding each other unless a conversation was really necessary about Sofia.

"Hey!"

"Hey! Is Sofia sleeping?"

"No. We had a technical problem and we couldn't shoot a video today." I read her disappointment from her face and continued;

"It was my mistake. Sorry. But can we call you, I mean, facetime you in five minutes?"

"Sure."

I prepared Sofia, with her pink tutu and hair bun in less than 10 minutes before I ringed Arizona.

"Hi again. We couldn't shoot the video but we have a surprise! We are offering a live performance just for you!" I saw her smile become bigger and then turn into a song like laughter. I was the camerawomen and the Dj playing the exact song that Sofia danced during the show. For twenty minutes Sofia danced with a smile and Arizona cheered for her on the other side. I saw pride and happiness tears falling while she was cheering for her daughter.

I remembered my conversation with Bailey in Seattle, a few months ago.

Bailey; "When you see Sofia kick a ball across the room and you start to daydream about 20 years from now when Sofia scores the winning goal at the Women's World Cup Final and the whole stadium is chanting her name - "Torres! Torres!"

And it's all in slow motion and you're up in the stands screaming and crying."

Me;" Yes, yes".

Bailey; "You do that, too? So the question is, who do you want screaming and cheering beside you?"

Maybe Bailey had been wrong. Maybe who Sofia dream of cheering next to me was more important. Then I realized I never actually dreamed of Penny cheering next to me. I dreamed of a life with Penny, loving her, sharing my bed with her and a life with Sofia but never combined these dreams. Maybe I wanted a life with Penny but cheer for Sofia only with Arizona. Maybe… I don't know…I really didn't have time for figuring out and as always life happened, I needed to take action about Penny's grant and our relationship before figuring out… Maybe I just jumped in before figuring out what I really wanted.

I was listening to Sofia's and Arizona's laughs behind the door. Both sounded joyful and happy, so much happier than Sofia with me and Penny. As they hang up, Sofia came to with a huge smile.

"Thank you, mama. I'm sorry. I didn't want mommy to be sad."

"I am sorry, too, Sofia. For the video and yelling at you."

"I love you, mama."

"I love you too." We hugged.

"Are you happy here Sofia? Are you mad at me for taking you here?"

Sofia didn't say anything.

"I won't get mad at you. I promise."

"But you get sad." How could a seven-year-old be more thoughtful than me?

"It's ok. I'm your mama and you can tell me anything."

"I miss mommy."

.

.

.

Penny didn't come home last night. I texted her because I was sorry and I was worried about her well-being.

"Sorry. Please come home."

"I'm sorry too. I will stay at Rachel's tonight."

I was awake all night. Around midnight I picked Sofia's notebook, which appeared to be her journal.

"Dear journal

I had a very bad dream yesterday. I flash my rabbit. And she went to forest. And there was big fire. I cried because my rabbit will die. But mommy say I save her. Because rabbit home is forest and my rabbit run fastest. I say mama I miss mommy. After mama go I didnt sleep. I think about my rabbit and mommy and mama.

I hear mamas voice in lifing room. I see her. She didnt see me. She cried. I never say mama I miss mommy again. Because she get sad. Like sadnes in inside out. I dont want mama be sadnes…"

…

"If mommy was here…", "I will tell mommy…", "I miss mommy…", "Zola", "Mommy", "mommy"….

"I like Penny. She is nice. But she is not mommy. Mommy is fun and funny."

How didn't I see what Sofia was going through for months? How was I so blind? How could I think she could live without her mommy and not miss her? God! I'm a terrible mother.

I couldn't wait for this miserable night to end. Penny came home early before Sofia woke up.

She looked terrible as if she hadn't slept all night, just like me.

"Sorry… I didn't sleep all night."

"Me neither. I didn't mean any of what I said. And Sofia was upset because she… she just miss Arizona."

"She is right though. You came here because of me. I should have stayed in Seattle."

"No! No, it would be a big mistake if you gave up your grant. I chose to come here with you."

"And this? Dragging you and Sofia here from your home? This is not a mistake? And I don't know what you expect from me. You want me to stand up for what I believe or what is best for us but you never let me! I don't know if I am "enough" for you or if I'll ever be enough."

"Don't wait for my permission! Don't let me let or not let you! Of course you are enough."

"You are unbelievable!"

"I know. I know I am not easy. But I love you and I want this (I moved my hands between her and me) to work. I need it to work out."

"I love you too."

When Sofia joined us in the kitchen for breakfast, I waited for Sofia to apologize from Penny but she didn't.

"Sofia, do you have anything to say to Penny?"

"I'm sorry Penny. I don't hate you."

"Thank you." They smiled at each other.

"Sofia, how about moving back with mommy? To Seattle?"

"Yes!" She was jumping around and I didn't know if I should join her celebration or start grieving for losing my daughter.

"Okaaay"

"You are coming with me, mama?"

"No, I will stay here and wait for you, Mija." She didn't say anything. I knew I was making the right decision, at least for Sofia.

I texted Arizona.

"Sofia wants to move back with you."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studios Shonda Rhimes. I intend no copyright infringement. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.

AN. Dear Hads, Thank you very much. Your comment means the world to me. 

Chapter 11

**Crossroads**

I was sitting in the empty room, looking at the toys, books, dresses that smell mija and questioning myself for the thousandth time about where I went wrong. Everything, every piece, every part of my life were meaningless without her. It was impossible to stop the tears falling from my cheeks. Everything I've done seemed wrong, and I just couldn't see the steps that brought me here.

I could feel Penny watching me from the side of the door. I knew she was eager to tell me something that would soothe me, ease my pain and dry my tears. What could she say? What could anyone say? My heart was being ripped out. And the worst part was I was here mostly because of my own choices. Penny never asked me to follow her and I made, actually I pressured her to ask me to follow her. Arizona brought me Sofia with the plane tickets after that awful tremendous fight for the custody. And Sofia... She kept pouring her "tiny- big" heart to her journal, wrote pages and pages about mommy longing so I don't become "sadness".

"Calliope. Calliope?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to eat? I cooked "

"No. I'm not hungry. Thank you, though."

"I wish there was something I could do."

"There is nothing anybody can do! I always come to similar crossroads and whatever I choose, I end up like this. I didn't go to Africa with Arizona, and it kept biting me and became one of the nails in our coffin. I didn't want to go through the same things with you so I followed you here. I just wanted a fresh start with you and Sofia. I just wanted to be happy. And I made my daughter suffer. I just fail whatever I do."

I was mad as much as I was sad. I was mad at myself, mad at life, mad for loving someone who put me in this situation again but I had no fight left in me. Penny was looking at me with sad puppy eyes in silence. She didn't know what to say. I wish she did.

"She will be fine with Arizona. I'm sure they will have so much fun back in Seattle. The judge was right. She is a better mother than I am. I'm going to bed." I said. I just didn't know any better or anything to say so I went to bed, silently got lost in my thoughts at my side of the bed.

I thought about the times when I had hit the rock bottom and how I got back up. It was either Mark or Arizona, mostly Arizona who picked me up.

.

_"Walk tall. All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought. You loved. You lost. Walk tall Torres." Mark said after Erica left me._

_._

_"You just ... you look upset. And I ... and I thought that you should know that the talk is good. And when you're not upset, when you're over ... Being upset ... There will be people lining up for you." said Arizona before kissing me in the middle of the dirty bar bathroom. It was the first time Arizona turned my tears into a smile._

_._

_" Ugh. This was supposed to be a good day. Shepherd did a 23-hour surgery. We're supposed to be popping champagne." I said because I was angry at this Cahill who was shutting down the ER._

_"Let's try and go to sleep." was Arizona's response._

_"Ugh! I don't think I can. I'm so pissed." I said._

_"Do you want to go to the beach with me?" Arizona said as she held my hand described a beach with white sands, us in our bikinis, holding our margaritas. I remember falling into a deep sleep with a gigantic smile._

_._

_I was having a break down during the Travis Reed negligence trial and fighting with the panties to put the new ones on when Arizona appeared in the court bathroom._

_"And he's making me sound awful," I said._

_"Um, I-I think I have something that will make you feel better." She unzipped her bag, took a piece of paper and continued, "So Sofia drew this in the car this morning. And she said that it's of a jellyfish and a rainbow mermaid. I'm not sure which one is which." She chuckled while she was showing the paper and chaotic lines on it."But you should have it. And then when you feel like screaming, you can look at the jellyfish and then it will calm you down."_

_._

_She knew what to say until... I don't know._

_"Are you okay? " said Arizona. I was sitting and slowly clearing my tears at the hall after losing my first veteran and fighting with Owen who was accusing me of his death._

_"Uh...I will be. I will be. " I said. I was proud and trying not to show my weaknesses after leaving Arizona in the therapist room and making the divorce decision._

_"Could... could we just pretend that everything between you and I is okay, just for a little bit? I could use that," she asked. Probably she was approaching me not because she needed help but she wanted to be there for me._

_"Yeah." I sighed._

_"I feel like everything is going wrong, and I have no idea what to do about it." She said. So she was stuck like me._

_"I feel like every single thing I am doing is wrong." After a few seconds of silence which was very unusual for us, I sighed and said "You will figure it out. You will."_

_"You will, too."_

I couldn't figure out what was broken and how I ended up sad and mad then, just like now. Sofia was on her way to Seattle and I was waiting for her arrival text from Arizona. Penny was lightly snoring at her side of the bed. She fell asleep after a silent hour with me in bed. Then I received Arizona's text. "Sofia arrived. She is safe and fine. We'll face time you as we arrive home?"

I replied immediately; "Yes."

My phone ringed thirty minutes later. Sofia and Arizona were in the kitchen and Sofia had icecream around her lips.

"Hey, mija! So your mommy is spoiling you with ice cream?"

She giggled. Arizona got in front. "Come on. She just arrived. We are celebrating." As she saw me on the screen, her voice changed. I was probably looking terrible with red puffy eyes after all the crying and no sleep.

"Hey, are you ok?" she asked as she walked away from Sofia.

"Yeah. I am." I swallowed all the tears and pain and tried to smile.

"You know what?... Sofia is fine. She will be fine. She grew so much but she hasn't changed much... except... She just told me that she wants to be a badass ortho surgeon."She chuckled. "I guess someone in New York influenced her a little bit."

"Oh really? I don't have any idea."

"Well, that may change here...Maybe. Some little bird may influence otherwise."

"I bet that little bird may try, probably with butterfly scrub caps and tiny humans but we'll see." I chuckled and challenged her.

She smiled and said "We'll see. I guess you can't wait to talk to her." She handed the phone and disappeared.

"Hi Mama!" said Sofia as she appeared on the screen. She was walking out of the kitchen and telling me how brave she was on the plane. Just for a second, I saw a picture at the back on the wall; our picture from Sofia's first day home. Mark, Arizona and I were smiling with Sofia in front of us. She was home in Seattle just as much as here in New York. I felt better.

"I miss you, Mama," she said.

"I miss you, too," I said.

"Mommy misses you, too" she added.

"What?" was all I could say.

" I said I miss Mama and she said she misses you, too."

"Okay. So what is your plan for tomorrow? Visiting Zola?"

When I hang up, I was still sad but feeling way better.

.

.

.

"Yes, Dr. Torres." Janeane smiled and moved across to her table to implement the procedure I explained to her. Since the day I called her and almost the whole hospital stupid, she was very distanced.

"Janeane, erase that fake smile from your face, please. You can get mad and scream at me. I can take it."

"My smile isn't fake ."

"Yeah, sure. I just had one cranky day and you lost all your joy, the sparkle in your eyes, cheerful mornings and... "

She cut me like a sharp knife. "I already told you, I'm not mad at you. Not everything is about you!" And she left the lab.

When she arrived fifteen minutes later, she was hiding her red eyes with her fake smile again.

"Okay. What is it Janeane? Did your daughter fly across the country to live with her other mother as well?" I asked.

"What?! No."

"What is it then?"

"Conor... Conor is moving to Nigeria. He had applied for a position in Nigeria when we had first started dating. And the recruiting process takes time in the UN. And he is moving to Nigeria. This is his dream coming true. I can't be the reason for him to give that up. And this, what we are doing in this lab is my dream. I can't give up my dream either. "

"How long? How long will he stay there?"

"Three years with possibly another year extension."

I shut up. I didn't have any solution to offer. I had been there, twice and couldn't come up with a good result. I hugged her tight.

"It is okay. It will be okay." I said but we both knew it wouldn't be "okay".

.

.

.

It was the third consecutive night that Penny was in Stoll's lab till morning. I took the first two nights as an opportunity to work for our project in the hospital but the third night was too much so I headed to the bar close to the hospital. I just hate going to an empty apartment. It was nice to see Rajesh alone at the corner table. He was drinking his whiskey slowly when I joined him.

"So we usual suspects joined here again?" he said.

"Yeah. Wife issues?"I nodded and asked.

"Yeah. Fighting became our modus operandi. I'm just getting ready for another one before going home. What about you? Is it the grey sweater again?"

"What? Grey sweater?"

"What was Minnesota wearing this time?"

"Minnesota? What are you talking about? How many of those did you have Rajesh?" I asked as I pointed his glass.

"Only one or two. Your wife, your ex-wife with the strange name. Wasn't it Minnesota?"

I laughed and said "Arizona. It's Arizona. What about her?"

"Well, last time you saw Arizona wearing your grey sweater, first you blew the whole hospital like a tornado and showed up here to get drunk with me." He said.

"I did? No, I didn't. I don't remember any of this." I said. I was confused because I had no idea about what he was talking about.

"I know you don't remember. So what was she wearing this time?"

"It has nothing to do with her. Maybe it is. My daughter, Sofia missed her so much that she wanted to move back with her. So I sent her to Seattle ten days ago. And now, I don't want to go to an empty apartment because my girlfriend is a workaholic...Just like the previous ones."

"So the grey sweater is a workaholic?"

"Yeah, she was. I mean she is."

"Did you see her wearing your grey sweater again?"

"You drank more than two. Didn't you?"

"Yeah. So when did you see her wearing it again?"

I stopped and thought about it before I replied; "She was wearing it while she was showing the green paints to Sofia. Sofia wanted her room green. She probably bought all the green paints she could find. She is like that. She counts six different names for what I call beige. Anyway. Just give me your address when you can still remember." We both laughed.

"Here you go." He said as he texted his address. "But I don't know Saanvi's reaction if you take me home though."

"Why?"

"Because you're hot and beautiful. And she can be jealous, very jealous." He said. He was very sweet. His words hit me because I realized I felt neither hot nor beautiful for along time.

"Thank you, Rajesh. So you fight but she loves you. Huh?"

"She is my one. No matter what, I always choose her, she always chooses me. 'Cause she is my one."

"Okay, Romeo. Let's take you home to your Juliet."

.

.

.

It had been more than three weeks after Sofia left for Seattle. I had thought that Penny and I didn't have enough time for each other because of Sofia until Sofia left. Apparently, I was wrong. Although we didn't have Sofia and I had plenty of time after work, Penny wasn't around so much because of her workload. I thought she would have less workload due to the nature of her work. Apparently, I was wrong about that as well. This morning we decided to have a date night after a long time so I prepared a great menu along with a romantic set up at home. So when I received her text saying that she would be late, I became furious.

I woke up with the noise of the opening door. When I checked the clock, it was over midnight. I had lingerie and makeup. I was feeling less disappointed after the short nap. After all, as long as I connected to her and make love it was okay. She looked at me and all the preparations.

"I'm sorry. ..."

I cut her off and said, "It's okay." I started to kiss her lips. She was kissing me back but reluctantly. I stopped and asked her; "What's the problem?"

"Nothing", she said and started kissing me again but I could feel that she didn't want to kiss me or have sex with me. I stopped and asked again; "What is it?"

"Prof. Stoll. Prof. Stoll isn't happy about my work. She may kick me out of the program."

"Why? You are working so hard. You don't even come home for dinner for weeks."

"Yes but Stoll wants me to work more."

"She became the center of our life. Stoll this, Stoll that. All you talk about is Stoll. All I hear every day and every night is Stoll."

"I am talking about my career here. Isn't it important?"

"Ooohh! Of course, it is. Your career is important! It's everything! We moved here for your career. We didn't have a decent meal together for weeks for your career. We didn't have sex for I don't know how many weeks for your career! Your career is important."

"Sex. Is this what you want to talk about now?"

"What else do you want me to talk about? Yes, sex. That's what lovers do. We didn't have _it_ for weeks and I didn't even cut out your leg for God's sake!"


	12. Mirror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studios & Shonda Rhimes. I intend no copyright infringement. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment purposes.
> 
> AN. I'm sorry for the delay. I promise I will complete the story. I had difficulty focusing on writing during this corona quarantine and home office times. I hope you find this chapter worth waiting for. And thank you for the comments and kudos. I also hope you are all safe.

Chapter 12

Mirror

Previously: "What else do you want me to talk about? Yes, sex. That's what lovers do. We didn't have it for weeks and I didn't even cut out your leg for God's sake!"

…

"I need to talk to him now!" I said to the girl sitting behind the desk.

"I'm sorry. His schedule is full, Miss…" She said.

"I just need five minutes. Ok. What is your name?" I asked.

"Jane."

"Listen, Jane. I left my job, my friends, my village a few months ago for a woman I fell in love with and… And it's not working and I have no one to talk to. I just need five minutes. Just five minutes. It can't be so difficult to arrange five minutes!"

She nodded and dialed a number. "Hello Jess. How is Dr. Goldberg's schedule today? Any cancelation? I really need a favor. Ok. Thank you. I owe you." She wrote a name and number on a piece of paper. "Dr. Goldberg is so much better than him, and she has an opening at three o'clock. Good luck and you're welcome." She said as she handed the paper.

…

I was thinking about last night in Dr. Goldberg's waiting room for the last two hours. It was my off day and I didn't have any better place to be. I would have never considered coming to a therapist if Rajesh or Meredith had replied their phones. It's difficult to have just surgeon friends who are mostly unreachable and stuck in OR. So I ended up in a therapist room because I really needed to talk and had no one to talk to. I would lose my mind unless I talked to someone after last night, now!

"We didn't have it for weeks and I didn't even cut out your leg for God's sake!"

"Do you even hear what you are saying? How can I live up to your standards? When even the legendary doctor Arizona Robbins couldn't do! I'm just a mortal after all."

"What nonsense are you talking about?"

"Even she failed to satisfy you because you amputated her leg! Sorry, cut her leg out. And she only failed when her plane crashed and lost a leg. Not when she got the Carter Madison Grant, managed the Peds department, became a fetal surgeon in what? Six months? Look at your standards! Not everyone is a legend like her or you. Do you know the stories about her, you and Grey? People think Grey and Robbins are immortal… after shootings, car crashes, plane crashes. She is almost perfect. At work, apparently in bed,… great mother… She was like a knight in shining armor when she brought Sofia to you! But some of us are mortals. We need to work, really work, to achieve the 'easy' stuff you accomplish easily. And when we do that, we may fail to satisfy you the way you want and exactly at the time you want. I WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR YOU!"

"Four months."

"What?"

"She became a fetal surgeon in four, four and a half months."

"Great!"

"But this has nothing to do with us. I never said you aren't enough!"

"Yes but you continuously mean it in a thousand ways, in between the lines."

"What? Are you reading my mind now?! I don't even tell any of the stuff I achieved at work so you don't feel bad."

"See? You are saying it again! And I tell nothing about work unless it is something great. Oh no, not even the great ones, because what is great for me is usually ordinary for you! I don't talk about my friends because you think they are a bunch of idiots!"

"Yes because they are idiots!"

"Dr. Torres?… Dr. Torres? Dr. Goldberg is waiting for you." The assistant, Jess, was calling me, apparently for a while.

"It is just two. I thought it was at three o'clock?" I asked.

"She postponed her dentist appointment when she heard you've been waiting for so long."

…

First, we covered my family history, even though I insisted it wasn't necessary at all. Apparently, whatever your problem is these shrinks just want to link it to your mother or father. She kept taking notes and rarely asked questions, but mostly just listened. When the family part finished, she finally asked me why I was there and I started telling last night in detail.

"I happen to say 'I didn't even cut out your leg for God's sake!'" I said.

"What did you mean by not cutting out her leg?" she asked.

"My ex-wife quit having sex only after I amputated, actually letting her doctors amputate her leg. After a plane crash." I said. She stopped me with her index finger and called someone. "Jess, call my dentist and postpone it to some other time. My session will take longer than an hour."

"That bad, huh? I told you my family history is irrelevant." I said.

"Oookay. So not talking to the mother for so many years… being not accepted by a mother, the only unconditional love provider in anyone's life is irrelevant? Ok. So you were saying your girlfriend quit having sex with you even though you haven't amputated her leg? Go on," She said as she gestured me to go on.

"We didn't have sex for weeks because she is always at work as her professor's slave. I think this is nonsense! She has to stand up against her. I've never had such dry season except after the 'leg' situation. But that was understandable. But who stops having sex for work? Have you heard 'lesbian bed death'? I recently learned there is something like that and I'm not even a lesbian. I'm a bisexual. And we were having great sex in the beginning. I don't know how we reached this point so soon? I mean, we recently had our first year anniversary. Isn't it too soon for a death? This never happened with Arizona. I mean, not without a reason. Of course, she was… Oh my! She was… I was with the Shane McCutcheon of Grey Sloan Memorial… Oh! Both female and the male version of Shane McCutcheon… but Arizona was different from Mark. Mark was great, but I was missing Arizona even during the sex with Mark." I was pouring myself without even taking a breath.

She finally stopped me and said, "Okay. Okay. Let's slow down a little. Who is Shane?"

"Shane McCutcheon, L world. You don't know who she is?" and when I saw a blank face, I continued. "She is the sex machine womanizer no woman can say no to. If you want to help LGBTQ people, you should get familiar with the whole literature. Anyway, Arizona was like that, always ready for sex, great in bed and certainly a womanizer. She even slept with Noelle, twice and Noelle wasn't even gay. She never said no, except," Dr. Goldberg cut me before finishing my sentence.

"for the leg situation. And who is Mark?" she asked.

"Mark is… was my best friend. I think I should start from the beginning." I said and started telling all; George, our marriage, how he cheated on me with Izzie, Mark, Erica, Arizona, coming out to my Dad, baby breakup, Africa break up, making Sofia with Mark, Arizona coming back, car crash, Sofia's birth, our perfect wedding, plane crash, Mark's death, how Arizona cheated on me, divorce, Penny, the custody trial and how Sofia moved in with her mommy… Oh God! I had so many stories to tell… so each one had to fit into one or two sentences in a two-hour therapy session. Dr. Goldberg asked very few questions and mostly listened again.

"How long did you see a therapist after the plane crash?" she asked.

"Me? I didn't go to a therapist after the plane crash." I said.

"How about Arizona?" she asked again.

"She didn't have therapy either." I said.

"May I ask why?" she asked.

"We didn't think it was necessary." I said.

"She went through a plane crash, stayed four days in woods, lost a leg… You almost lost your wife, you lost your best friend, you had to make a tough decision like amputating your wife's leg… Most of the stories you just told are like Greek tragedies; amputating your wife's leg as an ortho surgeon. And you thought going to a therapist was unnecessary?" she asked.

"Actually, I didn't amputate her leg. Alex did. Her protégé, mentee, who was supposed to be in the plane instead of her." I said.

"So another Greek tragedy. Huh? You didn't reply my question?" she said.

I didn't know what to say and I want to cut it short. "Maybe we should have but at that time we didn't think it was necessary."

"Of course you surgeons are Gods and Goddesses; all of you are omnipotent." She said.

"What?" I asked. "All… Okay, most of the surgeons have this god syndrome, all omnipotent. Any way." She said.

"We do know!" I said and laughed for the first time till last night before adding "at least most of the time."

"Sure." She said sarcastically.

"Anyway I didn't come here to talk about all these stories." I said.

"Yes. So explain it again, please. Why are you here?" she asked.

"I'm here because I'm frustrated about not having sex with my girlfriend." I said.

"Why is it so frustrating?" she asked.

"What kind of stupid question is this? Because sex is a need according to I don't know Maslow, Freud. I need intimacy to hold me tight at the end of a bad day, to celebrate whatever victory at the end of a great day. Because I feel like I am losing my connection with her. Because it is what lovers do!?" I was shouting my final sentences.

"When was the last time you had sex with Arizona?" she asked.

"You mean Penny. Five or six weeks ago." I said.

"No. I meant Arizona. When was the last time you had sex with Arizona?" she asked again.

"What? Why? That ship sailed and sank a long time ago! This isn't relevant to my problem now." I protested.

"Isn't it? She is still your point of reference for pretty much everything; or at least for when not to have sex. So when was the last time you had sex with Arizona? Why is this a difficult question for you? You don't remember?" she insisted.

"It is not difficult," I said, but it was a little difficult. "It is just irrelevant now. And of course, I remember. It was the night before we broke up… for the final time." I said.

"So she left you after the final sex?" she asked.

"No. I left her." I said.

"You didn't feel the connection 'you were looking for' during the final sex?" she asked.

"No, I did." I said. Awkwardly, no words were coming out of my mouth. This doctor was slapping my face with each question.

"Yet you still left her." she said.

"It was more complicated than… all of these we have been talking about. She cheated on me. It was far more complicated." I said.

"I know" she nodded. Her phone rang and she listened for a few seconds and just said "ok".

"Sorry, Callie. My other patient has been waiting for five minutes now. Usually I'm so much better with timing for wrapping up the session, but with your agenda, I lost track of time. We have to finish it for today. Why don't you arrange your next session with Jess for the next week? Of course, if you want to come again." She said.

"But I still don't know what to do about Penny?" I said.

"Why don't you let this session to sink in for a few days and consider how you feel and what you think? And we talk about it next week." She said as she opened the door to show me the way.

…

I was on my way home from the therapy when I was called for an emergency to the hospital. One of the veterans had an infection because of the chip we implanted three weeks ago. We immediately took him to the surgery. My tough day became worse because of the several complications appeared during the surgery. Thank God, unlike me, Jeanne was having one of her good days and came up with a creative solution that saved the patient. While we were scrubbing out, I wanted to give a pat on her back.

"You were a star in there today. Good job! You should tell me how you came with that solution tomorrow." I said.

"Thank you, Dr. Torres." She said.

"You should celebrate this with Conor and your friends!"

"Hmm" she said. She looked down and I saw her trying to hide her tears.

"Are you ok with Conor?" I asked. "Yes. As good as we can be when we are five thousand miles apart from each other." She said.

"What?"

"He left for Nigeria yesterday. So…" She tried to smile and continued, "I will call him as soon as I go home to celebrate it with him. I don't want my friends... I just want to celebrate everything with him at the end of a good day like this. I just want him to calm me at the end of a bad day… I miss him." She said.

"Go! Go call him." I said.

…

When I arrived home, Penny was already home in the bedroom; putting her clothes into a big suitcase. We looked at each other and said nothing. Her eyes were red and she wasn't hiding her tears. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. I left the bedroom and went to the kitchen to gather my head.

A few minutes later she came to the kitchen. Her suitcases and bags were ready in front of the door.

"Won't you say anything?" she asked.

"Me? Why? You are the one walking out. Won't YOU say anything?" I asked. She said nothing.

"Okay. It seems like I will be the one who will do the talking as always since 'our' beginning. I want someone to whom I'll run to celebrate when I had a badass operation worth celebrating, someone I can cry on her shoulder when I miss my daughter or after a bad day, someone who will calm me down when I am violently mad, someone who can't take her hands off me, someone who wants to have sex with me even decades after our first date. And the vice versa. And you need this someone, too. I thought we would be the ones for each other. But…" I said. All that needed to be said was said.

She nodded and walked to the door.

"And Penny, you are smart, beautiful and sweet. You are smart. And you need to stand your ground as you should have stood for Derek during his trauma or for this relationship many times in the last year or for yourself when I was shoving you around. You need to stand your ground against Dr. Stoll. She will respect you only if you can stand against her. And you can only do that if YOU believe you are smart and right.'cause you really are." I said.

She smiled, said "Thank you." and left.

…

"All of these lines across my face  
Tell you the story of who I am  
So many stories of where I've been  
And how I got to where I am  
But these stories don't mean anything  
When you've got no one to tell them to"

…

I heard a text ring while I was crying in the shower.

"Sofia wants to facetime her Mama."


	13. Transition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studios & Shonda Rhimes. I intend no copyright infringement. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment.

Chapter 13

Transition

"Good morning, Chief."

"Torres! Good to see you. I was about to call you. Come in. Sit down."

"Thanks. I am ok like this." I said as I entered the room and stood in front of his desk.

"Ok, I just received a letter from General Wiley. Your fund increase request for the first phase is accepted. Congrats Torres! You think we can use some of it to improve the resident program. I mean, is there any way we can include the residents to your program?" he asked.

"I… I don't know."

"What is it Torres?" he asked.

"I… I need to give you my notice."

"What? Why?" he asked.

"Personal reasons…"

"You signed a 4 years extension contract a few months ago! You are managing a fund over… what 40 million dollars!"

"Which I brought to you!"

"Yes! You brought it and you have one of the highest salaries in this hospital, probably in New York, privileges that all the doctors envy! And a huge program! You can't just leave the program. What personal reason is this? Didn't you have it a few months ago when you accepted the program and signed the contract?"

"I didn't. I did. I couldn't." His question was like a slap on my face. How could I explain to him that nothing went as I expected and I just couldn't foresee; my daughter missing her other mom and moving back in with her in Seattle, or breaking up with my girlfriend for whom I moved to New York?

"Ok. Obviously you are facing some obstacles, personal challenges… I know you wouldn't give up all of these if it wasn't something important… but, but you have contract liabilities and responsibilities for the hospital and your program."

Before I could reply to him my bipper started in my pocket and just as one finished another one started. I was called for two different cases at the same time, so I ran to ER before finalizing my discussion with the chief.

"What is it, Jeanne? Mel?" I asked.

"Richard Winters, twenty-nine, the chip implantation three weeks ago, low blood pressure, arthritis, loss of conscious, rash,…" Jeanne said.

"Denver Randleman, twenty-eight, the chip implantation two weeks ago, arthritis, low blood pressure, pain in the limb, hypersensitivity,…" Mel said.

"Ok. Jeanne, you take Randleman. Mel, you are coming with me. We are taking out the chips! God damn it!" I ordered.

"Me, all alone?" Jeanne asked.

"Yes, you know what to do. You saved the guy yesterday. Go!" I shouted as I took Winters to the OR.

Two hours later, after saving both patients by removing the chips I had implanted a few weeks ago, we were gathered in our lab, discussing where we went wrong. Out of a hundred seventy-three, we had three patients that rejected the new chips and the prosthesis so far and we didn't know if it would be more. Were we or was I failing in this department of my life as well?

"We have to call all the patients and remove all the chips!" Tim said.

"Ooh hoo! Easy! Let's diagnose the whole situation first "I said to Tim and turned to my team and said "I want all of you to take these three charts and find out all the similarities. We have to figure out why their bodies are rejecting the chip. Go!" They must have some kind of allergy to one substance used in the chip. We ran all kinds of tests, but we must have missed one. Before I could explain to Tim my theory, I got called to the fourth patient whose body rejected the chip.

The operation took over seven hours because of the complications. It was another day that I felt roasted. Jeanne was waiting for me in front of the OR door.

"I think we found the problem, Dr. Torres. Two of them have an allergy for molybdenum. The third patient didn't have the info in his chart, so we made the test. All three of them have the same allergy."

"Check the fourth patient's chart too."

"Ok. Dr. Torres. I also checked the substances used both in the chips and the prosthesis. They don't have molybdenum in their specs. That's why we didn't include it in the previous tests. Do you want me to contact the producer companies as well?"

"Yes! Yes! Good job, Jeanne! And study all the charts today and get me the list of the patients who have this allergy. We still have to test all the patients we implanted in this chip." My theory was correct. And it was great to work with a type-A control freak.

"Ok. Dr. Torres. And Dr. Torres, a patient has been waiting for you." She said.

"I had nothing like that in my schedule!" I said. I was exhausted.

"Yes, I know. I had already told him you didn't have any time for him today, but he insisted. He has been waiting for you for over four hours."

"What?!" So another lunatic was waiting for me!

"And he said you owed him." She said.

"What's his name?" I asked, but before she replied I saw the man in his wheelchairs. I thought today couldn't get worse.

"Travis! What are you doing here?" I asked. Jeanne was still checking Travis's surname." No need to check. He is Travis Reed." He was looking so much better than the last time I had seen him during the trial.

"I told you she would want to see me!" Travis said to Jeanne.

"You shouldn't be here. We shouldn't be talking, Travis! I'm not allowed to talk to you after the trial." I said.

"C'mon Callie. Are we still holding a grudge against each other? What? It has been over three years!." He stated sarcastically.

"What do you want Travis?" I asked.

"I want to get into your program. I want you to build me new legs!" He said.

"What?"

"I still need legs!" he said as he showed his legs. "And I heard you are the best, still the ortho god if the rumors are true." He laughed.

"I don't know about that!" I said. I remembered the first time he had called me the ortho god and our entire history; how I caused him to lose both legs or how I couldn't prevent him from losing his legs and the malpractice suit. Even the trial was a long - long time ago, my conscience trial has never halted and I was still carrying the guilt burden with me. Not holding a grudge? How could he even consider forgiving me?

"Ok. Jeanne, make an appointment for Mr. Reed and start all the necessary tests to check if Mr. Reed is eligible for the program."

"But Dr. Torres,"

"No buts, Jeanne. Before you start with him, I need my list first. I'll tell the entire team to give you a hand." I said.

…

I never thought I would end up here in Dr. Goldberg's waiting room again. I mean, this was twice in… two days! I had worse days; so much worse days, but I had never been as lonely as I've been in New York.

"You can't just show up here, Callie. You've been lucky yesterday and today, but you may not be this lucky next time." Dr. Goldberg said.

"I know. I know. Penny and I… We broke up last night. My daughter is in Seattle and she misses me. And I miss her so much. I went to the chief's office to hand in my notice. Apparently I can't even quit thanks to the stupid contract I signed a few months ago. I can't leave before the completion of the project I started. How stupid can one be to make such a commitment without even thinking everything thoroughly? So I am stuck in New York!" I was shooting the words like an M16 or an AK47 while I was walking from one side of the room to the other.

"So you broke up last night?" she asked.

"Yes. Strange but after I talked to you and Jeanne after you, everything became clear; as if the fog in front my eyes disappeared suddenly." I said.

"Good to know." She chuckled and continued, "What became clear?"

"Penny was packing and I just didn't want to fight for her or this relationship anymore. I thought it was working when it wasn't. We lost our connection, or we never had it. I don't know it anymore. I wasn't happy and I think neither she was." I said.

"So she left and you didn't stop her. How do you feel?" she asked.

What a stupid question this was! I just broke up with my girlfriend, whom I changed my entire life for. "I feel like someone who just broke up." I said. I guess my face was showing how annoyed I was.

"Which is?" she asked. Why was she insisting?! I stopped, inhaled and took a few seconds to calm down before I turn to her and start speaking.

"I feel like I failed again. I feel like… I feel lonely. I feel like I will be alone forever. Alone! I will go to grocery shopping alone or… or… I will throw away my trash alone." I wiped my tears and checked her reaction.

"Hmm?" she only said and looked at my face. This wasn't my expectation.

"What?! Will you only say hmm?" I asked.

"You broke up last night, less than twenty-four hours ago and I couldn't catch a "Penny" in your sentences. You are talking about an emptiness that she or Jane Doe or John Doe or any significant other will cause by leaving." She said.

"Huh!" This Dr. Goldberg wasn't a charlatan after all. She was right. I was grieving not for losing Penny as my girlfriend but for losing a girlfriend. I was puzzled. I needed to think about it. Of course, I would miss Penny, but she was right.

"So how do you feel?" she asked again.

"I feel like I've been doing all wrong. I shouldn't have moved to New York. I shouldn't have signed the contract. All these seemed so right at the moment and I just leaped in and see where I am now. I am mad at myself for… for being me. I talked to Sofia last night. She misses me. I miss her. I have to and I want to be with her. But I am stuck." I said.

"What do you mean by 'for being me'?" she asked.

"I decide quickly without thinking things through. I jump into relationships. I fall in love quickly. It was difficult when I was just me, but so much more difficult when I have my daughter. I thought I was taking it slower this time."

"How long had you been with Penny when you moved to New York for her?" she asked.

"Six… no, seven months," I said silently.

"Okaaaay" was all she could say. Then I told the problems at work and mentioned Travis Reed briefly without telling the entire story because if I told, we would need a few more sessions.

"So what's your plan now?" she asked.

"Find a way to cancel the contract and if I can't I will suck it up and hang in for four years." I replied.

…

On my way home, that wasn't a home anymore but just an empty apartment, I decided to call Owen. Maybe he could advise me on a way to get out of this situation. He has been working for the army and he was the former chief.

"Sorry Callie. These contracts are quite binding. Maybe you should talk to a lawyer." Was his reply.

"How is life going Owen?" I asked.

"Same old, same old." was his reply.

"Hey. Arizona was looking terrible last, but I didn't want to ask her. You know. Is she ok?" I asked.

"Oh no. It can't be that. Because they are together now. It must be Mathew's wife." He said.

"What? Use your words, Major Hunt." I said.

"I had a thing with Carina when they broke up but it was just fun for me. She caught us. You know? But as I told you, they weren't together. But I guess they are together again now. So it can't be me. She saved the baby but lost Matthew's wife last week. Probably her death hit her."

"What?! Who is Carina? What happened to Amelia? Which Matthew are we talking about? We didn't talk for what? three months!" I shouldn't have been shocked. Seattle was Seattle; full of action and drama or Greek tragedies as Dr. Goldberg would define.

"Okaay. Amelia and I… It didn't work out. Amelia had a huge tumor, huh, a brain tumor."

"What?! Are you kidding? Sorry, you wouldn't make a joke about this" I said, and brain tumor of a neurosurgeon - another Greek tragedy, I thought.

"Yes. She found it out while she was masturbating for Carina in the MRI machine." He said.

"What?!" This was strange even in Seattle standards.

"Carina is an orgasm doctor and she needed volunteers to study their brains during orgasms and Amelia was one of them. To tell the long story short; she diagnosed her brain tumor thanks to Carina's study. Her surgery went well and she is fine. We got a divorce. We are in friendly terms now. I needed some distraction and I had a few days with Carina. Arizona caught us. Only after we got caught, Carina told me they were kind of together and broke up because Sofia was coming. As far as I know, they are kind of together again." He explained.

The whole story sounded surreal, but the only thing I could think about was Arizona with an orgasm doctor. An orgasm doctor! It took me some while to gather my thoughts and reply to Owen.

"And Matthew and Matthew's wife?" I asked.

"April's fiancé; Matthew. His wife was Arizona's patient. She saved the baby, but the mother died. I haven't seen her around this week."

"Wow. The fiancé that April left at the altar… Thank you, Owen." I said.

An orgasm doctor. Of course, the Shane McCutcheon of Grey Sloan Memorial would be with the orgasm doctor.

After I hang up, I thought about if I really wanted to return to Seattle. Seattle was full of drama among the wonderful stories, but it was too much for me. Oddly, the chaotic New York has been more peaceful so far. Still, neither Seattle nor New York felt like home anymore.

…

Thank God this dark and lonely day ended up with good news.

"Coming to New York next week. How about dinner on Wednesday or Thursday? xoxo Addison"


	14. Phantom life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studios & Shonda Rhimes. I intend no copyright infringement. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment.  
> AN. Thank you for the kudos. They mean so much to me. I also hope you are all safe and healthy.

Chapter 14

Phantom Life

"I knew I would pass the test. Once a champion, always a champion, Jeanne!" Travis was celebrating the positive results and his eligibility for the program when I entered the room. Jeanne handed me his charts and said, "He is eligible."

"How about molybdenum?" I asked.

"No molybdenum allergy or any other allergies." She said.

"Ok. Travis. We don't accept anyone, just the veterans to this program buuuut I got exclusive permission for you." I said to Travis.

"Great! When can we start? I guess I need an operation for you to implant the chip first? Can I have it today?" he asked.

"Wow. Some things never change, I guess." I said. I looked at him. He was alone, or with his helper, both of the times I'd met him. "Where is Whitney? She approves you for being part of the program. Right?" I asked.

He looked down and said, "Lots of things changed. Nothing is the same, actually. We broke up."

"Sorry," I said. I didn't know if it was my place to ask further, so I stayed silent.

"How about your wife? Is she happy in New York?" he asked.

"We broke up too. We got a divorce. A long time ago." I said.

"I guess we both couldn't get what we wanted from life." He said.

…

Wednesday night was full of surprises. Just before meeting Addison, I got a call from Cristina who was in New York for another Cardio convention. Addison and I both thought it was more the merrier and asked her to join us.

"I'm glad the fusion is over. You are not mopping around after her. Please?!" Cristina said.

"Why do you call her fusion?" asked Addison.

"Long story!" I said.

"Because she was nice, safe, and boring! Just like a fusion!" Cristina said.

"I agree with her!" Addison said while she was laughing.

"I'm also glad she's gone because she was the Derek killer," Cristina added.

"Amen to that too." Addison nodded.

"To Derek!" said Cristina she raised her tequila shot and looked up to the ceiling.

We both responded by raising our wine glasses. "Derek". I could see Addison's hidden tears. We all had very special connections to Derek; he was probably the love of Addison's life, a kind of big brother for Cristina; through the shootings, plane crashes, and in between. And for me, he was my project partner and a very good friend. I could sense that tonight would be a long one.

"We all make mistakes. And for the "fusion", should I always choose not nice, unsafe and exciting? The exciting ones either cheat on me or disappear in the park and never show up again! But mostly they are cheaters." I said. They both laughed.

"Ha haha! Now I understand why you loved her, Penelope, the faithful wife of Ulysses! Ha haha! And… "She stopped for a few seconds and smiled sadly, "I am a cheater," Addison said. She was, but it doesn't really bother you when the cheater is your friend.

"Owen cheated on me," Cristina said.

"What? Owen cheated on you?" I asked. We spent so much time and he was still in love with Cristina even long years after Cristina left. I knew it because we were both members of the two membered losers club and shared a lot until I found Penny.

Cristina just nodded.

"You never said anything. Owen said nothing to me either. When did this happen?" I asked.

"Oh… a long time ago. After the abortion, before the plane crash. Ah, you will get it when I say, Owen took a day to fight or makeup with me, Mark took advantage of that and announced himself the chief." Cristina replied. We all laughed.

"Mark Sloan! The chief? Ha! Mark would do that." Addison said. I could see her sadness and longing from her eyes. "Mark!" raised her glass and we joined "Mark!" as raised our glasses. I couldn't hold my tears but I wanted to change the mood, so I asked Cristina; "Why didn't you say anything?".

"Because if I announced to the world that he cheated on me, I knew I could never forgive him. And I really loved him and I wanted to forgive him." She said.

"Huh. I did announce." I said. Did I want to forgive them; George and Arizona? I tried to forgive them both; especially Arizona, but I was too mad and broken.

"I made my announcement by hanging Meredith's panties to the bulletin board!" Addison said. We all laughed again.

"I remember. I was the one picking it up before Bailey stormed at Meredith." I said.

"So did you forgive Owen? Because Derek and I couldn't forgive each other till everything was over. One day Derek showed up and said he was absent a lot till my cheating and took some responsibility. I mean cheating is always cheater's fault but," Addison said.

"Of course, I did. It was a onetime mistake. I was mad in the beginning but the break-up pain would be much worse than him cheating on me." Cristina said.

"But you separated at the end?"

"Because I couldn't give him what he wanted. A baby, a family that would get more of my life than surgery. " Cristina said.

"Arizona didn't want to give me a baby either," I said.

"She actually did. Sofia." Cristina said.

"But not the second one, I mean," I replied.

"She didn't want babies in the beginning at all but became a great mother for Sofia." Cristina insisted. And she was right. Arizona became the best mother I've known. Even the judge confirmed her motherhood during the trial.

"I knew I wouldn't change for Owen and if I did, I knew I would resent it forever. Arizona changed for you." She said. She was right again.

"Derek wanted a baby too, but I wasn't ready for the baby. It took me a decade to get ready. When I was finally ready, Derek was gone with his van to the other side of the country. And Mark wanted…"

"Well, he got what he wanted. Unexpectedly, he was a great father." I said.

"What you three had always amazed me. Arizona accepting Mark and the whole threesome thing." Addison said.

"In the beginning, Arizona used to complain and call it my bi-dream coming true; my best friend who was a good lay as well and the girlfriend. But later she, they…" Those were the happiest time of my life and with the alcohol and the mood we were in I just couldn't continue.

"They… Arizona and Mark, they were family. When we were in the woods" Cristina was talking about the plane crash and I got shocked because this was the first time she was talking about it. Apparently it took so many years to make peace with it, to talk about it." After Lexie died, on one side Derek, Mer, and I lied at the side of a rock and on the other side Arizona just put her back to the plane and Mark lied just next to her and put his head on her lap. Arizona didn't, couldn't move an inch after the plane crash for four days, till they finally found us. She never lied down. And Mark… he kept dying on us. We tried so hard to keep him alive." Cristina was talking as if she was somewhere else but not in this bar. Her tears were falling down and she wasn't even fighting to stop them. This was so not the Cristina I knew. Cristina I knew would be numb and would avoid showing any emotions unless she loses a baby or breaks up from a partner. "Mark was saying Lexie was waiting for him and you; Arizona and you would be ok without him. He was saying her 'take care of our girls!' " Cristina imitated his voice. 'take care of our girls!' And Arizona was fighting him back." She said. I was smiling while I was crying. I missed their fights so much. Oh, I could give so much to get their fights back. "No Mark Sloan No! We are going home together. Sofia is waiting for you. Callie is waiting for you! I am… waiting for you! We are going home together!" Cristina imitated Arizona this time. She wasn't looking at any of us but at some point on the wall.

"Arizona never told me this…" I said. Cristina looked at me for a short second and went back to the same spot on the wall.

"Whole night and maybe a day this fight went on, till both passed out. She was stroking his hair and telling him to hang on for you, for going home together. That night I saw it. He was her family. She didn't just accept him. She loved him. They were family. And you were her home." She said.

"She never told me the details like this. Just he was moaning and she was screaming." I said.

"Oh boy! She was screaming! Your wife can scream!" Cristina said. "She was right. He was moaning and she was screaming. She couldn't tell you the details. None of us could. We were trying to cope. And telling would be remembering all as if we could ever forget. Telling would be facing what we wanted to forget and run away again and again. We want to avoid all the memories, thoughts, emotions, conversations about it and sometimes we want to avoid each other so we don't remember anything. We were in a very dark place, but you were pushing us… pushing us to have a celebration dinner. We were trying to survive the day and you were expecting us to have fun." She said.

"But…" I said.

"No. I am not blaming you, but we were in different stages and coping in different ways. Anything could be the trigger at that time. Seeing Arizona's prosthesis… For months I woke up with her screams in the middle of the night. It was always her screams. She was always in my nightmares and flashbacks. And I… we couldn't be with her when she needed us the most when she lost her leg… because we were all trying to survive in a different way. At one point, I really thought she was going crazy and never coming back. When she started screaming in the OR and asked Alex to stab the scalpel to her prosthetic leg, th "

"What?!" I asked because I had no idea what she was talking about.

"She asked Alex to stab the scalpel to her prosthetic leg and Owen backed her in the OR. He explained to me that she was having a phantom limb pain."

"I thought she was only having it at night. She never mentioned she had the pain during the day." I said.

"She told Owen that she didn't want to be your patient anymore and she wanted to be your wife again. She knew that she wasn't there for you as your wife for too long and she was trying. I… I wasn't there for Owen. I distanced myself to Owen, too." Cristina said.

"I lost Mark and Arizona… It was difficult for me too." I said.

Cristina nodded and continued. "You both lost a lot. It was just different. She lost her kinda brother? the guy with cancer?"

"Nick" I said.

"Yes, Nick. She lost Nick to cancer, then she lost Mark. And then the leg… I'm surprised how she even recovered. Her 'joy' used to make me sick before the crash… But I started respecting it after she regained it. She was daydreaming about the future of the box baby like the ancient times."

I got lost in my thoughts about where I went wrong till Addison put her hand on my back and stroked a few times and said;

"It is okay. In every relationship, there are resentments, assumptions, and mistakes… made by both sides; even in the ones that don't go through car or plane crashes."

"Yeah, I am trying to get used to my reality and my loss for years," I mumbled.

"What?!" Addison said.

"Just like phantom leg, I have a phantom life. We lose the most important parts of our lives, happy parts, happiness sources. What we want and what we get in life are so different. I mean, we think we have what we want in life and we lose it. And we feel some sensation; pain where the missing part of our life was as if it's still there. I call the syndrome "phantom life", just like a phantom limb." I said.

"Nice Torres! Of course, you explain everything by ortho terms." Cristina said and raised her shot glass again.

"Just like a phantom limb, it's as if the mind can't accept that a horrible trauma has occurred. The mind tries to make life complete again. And we experience pain. The mind holds out hope that our life can be whole again. The mind always fights for hope, tooth, and nail. Until it finds a way of understanding its new reality and accepts that what is gone is gone forever." I said.

"Callie!" Addison said.

"What?!" I asked.

"Maybe what is gone is not gone forever in this case. Arizona is not dead!" Addison said.

"But our marriage, our relationship,…' us' is…" I said.

"But you don't know if it is forever! Not till one of you dies! Till then, there is always hope!" Addison said.

"Well, with Arizona still in Grey Sloan Mercy Death, they don't have much chance!" Cristina said. Drunk Cristina is my favorite Cristina.

…

I was paying extra attention to Travis' physiotherapy after the chip operation. I had once ruined the guy's life and I didn't want to cause more loss and pain than I had already done.

"So why did you break up?" he asked while he was taking one short step in between the parallel bars.

"Long story," I said.

"I have all the time in the world. A few steps will take decades like this," he said.

"It will get easier as you practice," I replied.

"Ok. Till then we have plenty of time." He insisted.

"Well, we need to focus on what you are doing. Don't rush. Slow is good." I said.

"Ok, I will tell you mine. I treated her like shit, but she still didn't leave. Let's see… Then I cheated on her. Then she left."

"What? Why did you cheat?" I asked.

"I had many reasons at the time but now I find them all stupid." He said.

"Ok. You need to take a short break." I suggested because he was trying too hard for the first days.

"No, I'm fine." He replied.

"Pushing before you are ready will cause harm rather than the recovery," I explained.

"Ok. She washed me, took me to the toilet, cleaned my pee. I couldn't even roll over in bed and I alwaaays needed her help. This wasn't who she fell in love with. She fell in love with a champion who had hundreds of women competing with her, who could take care of her in every single way, who could fuck her in all Kamasutra positions,.." he said.

"Ok. Ok, I got it." I stopped him.

"You know you fall in love also because of how you feel about yourself while you were with her. I loved myself when I was with her till… then I hated myself, this pathetic man who can't even pee by himself. There was no way she could love me and also leave me like this. All of it was so shameful for me. Do you know it easier to get over a huge fight or anger than shame? Because forgiving yourself is more difficult than the others' hurtful words. Then I hated myself more because of the way I treated her. Every day I was asking myself "Why me?" or "what did I do to deserve to lose both my legs?" or "Was I too greedy by getting the surgery and getting all these risks?" I wished I was aware of all the things I could do. I took so many things for granted, boarding, skiing, walking,… You never understand the value of the minor things you can do until you lose them. I was mad at life and myself, but I couldn't fight life or myself. I had only Whitney to fight. We hurt the people we love the most. Then I accepted that I was a crippled man, but accepting what I lost and who I became took time. I needed to rebuild my confidence. You need to detach from your old life to reattach to a new one. But it is easy to say and difficult to do. First, you become numb about everything in your life. You enjoy nothing; not even sex. You try alcohol, drugs, anything to feel something, anything at all. And one day you meet a woman who flirts with you even though she sees that you are crippled. She is not someone who fell in love with you when you were a champion, but someone who is interested in you even though you are crippled. So you lose control and try it not to feel numb, not feel the shame because you couldn't be the man your woman wanted but just to be some kind of attraction with no shame attached. So for a moment, you think being with that woman or many women many times in my case is self-medication to be yourself again. And you know it is just sex, nothing more. And you hurt the love of your life, the one person you love the most, more." He finally finished his monologue and stood up. "Sorry. For a long time, I just couldn't talk about it. Now I just can't stop talking about it. Can I start again?" He said.

"Sure but no rush," I said.

He started to take very slow steps. "After she left me, not immediately but a year after she left, I hit the rock bottom and started therapy. The therapy was good. After 16 sessions I admitted myself losing Whitney was as bad as losing my legs... if not more. Now I am ok. You know how I know how I am ok? Wishing things to be as they used to be happens less and less. Except for Whitney. I want her back even everything is different now. So I will do my best! Get your bionic legs and get her back. Will you help me?"

"About your legs or Whitney?"

"Both!"

…

"Nice to see you again, Callie. So you even had an appointment this time," Dr. Goldberg said.

"The last two weeks were strange."

"Ok?"

"My past is haunting me!"

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN2. Dearest Hads, I haven't heard from you for three weeks. I hope you are safe and healthy.  
> Writing this chapter took longer than I expected because even though I had the ideas, I needed to make a research about PTSD. The following references were really helpful for this chapter; Lindsey Roy's Tedx Talks - What trauma taught me about happiness and Dr. Megan McElheran's TEDxYYC talk - Trauma Change Resilience.


	15. Lightness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studios & Shonda Rhimes. I intend no copyright infringement. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment.

Chapter 15

Lightness

Previously:

"Nice to see you again Callie and you even had an appointment this time," Dr. Goldberg said.

"Last two weeks was strange."

"Ok?"

"My past is haunting me!"

…

"What bothers you most?" Dr. Golberg asked just after I summarized my last two weeks; mostly the night I got drunk with Addison and Cristina over Derek, Mark, and Arizona and Travis' monologues.

"I don't know. I don't even know why I am here talking to you." I was pissed, but I had no idea what I was getting pissed at.

"Ok?"

"Don't you say anything but ask questions?!"

"It is interesting for you to be here talking to me." She said.

"Is it?" I questioned her this time.

"Yes. Your pattern has been covering all your feelings with what is next's, new stuff, mission impossible operations, magnificent projects… not dealing with your feelings and moving on. Leave the past and immediately look at the future, not even the present. So yes, it is interesting for you to be here." She was making sense when and if she stopped asking questions but talk.

"What good does anyone get by delving into the past pains? You just get more miserable. Isn't it right to move on to something more positive instead?"

"What was the last operation you did before you came here?" Why was she asking this strange question?

"Hip transplant," I said.

"Can your patient start running and skiing immediately after the operation?"

"Of course not." I nodded.

"Why not? Shouldn't she, he move on to something more positive?"

"Come on! You know it is not the same. This is physical." I insisted.

"So you don't need time to heal if you have emotional trauma?"

"So what? Talk about it and get darker and darker? It's not fun!"

She laughed out loud. Obviously I was entertaining her. "Fun?! Ok…." She switched to her serious mode again and continued "Talking is like physio for the emotions… It helps thinking, accepting, healing, making peace so that the past doesn't haunt you."

I nodded.

"So what bothers you most?" she asked again.

"I don't know. How Owen cheated on Cristina and none mentioned anything and Cristina mentioned nothing. I mean, neither of them mentioned anything."

"So this bothers you most?"

"I don't know if it is the most. Apparently everyone cheats on each other. Addison cheated on Derek with Mark. So, in this case, Mark is also a cheater. Derek was his best friend. Mark cheated on Lexie, Addison, pretty much everyone. Derek cheated on Addison. Owen cheated on Cristina and didn't mention it once. George cheated on me. And Arizona."

"Arizona?"

"She cheated on me after everything we had been through. I was taking it personally. Whatever I do, I get cheated on. I was the pathetic one. Huh! Apparently there isn't a single person who didn't cheat and get cheated on. Travis cheated on Whitney. Did I exaggerate when Arizona cheated? No! How do you forgive cheating? Travis is ready to do anything for Whitney to forgive him. I don't know what he is planning. Will it be enough? Will Whitney forgive him? I thought I could forgive her, … Arizona… when I gave her one more chance but it was like a territory full of mines that are ready to explode even by a small step on a hidden mine. Cristina forgave Owen because living without him was worse than accepting him cheating only once. Arizona cheated once. I was so mad and humiliated that the cheating was worse than living without her. I thought like that… I don't know anymore." I was rambling.

"Ok. Ok, Take a breath for a second. This was a while ago. Are you still mad that she cheated on you?"

"No, I am not mad anymore. The thing is, I… I moved across the country… with another woman. And… And I don't know. It is like my story with Arizona, the cheating, all these old stories are following me. I can't move to what is next."

"And?"

"And?"

"How does it make you feel?"

"Huh! You just ask the same question again and again! You know your job is so simple compared to what I do and I pay a fortune to hear the same question over and over again."

She laughed, "Yes! I know! You are the goddess building bones and robot legs from scratch and it is an honor for me you even come and talk to me. So how does it make you feel?"

"I feel maybe whatever I did, all of it was wrong. Maybe I could act like Cristina. And everything would be wonderful. And I didn't. I missed the opportunity to be happy. Now I am stuck. I don't have my freedom to move on."

"Is Cristina happy with Owen?"

"No, they divorced before us. But not because of the cheating. At least that's what Cristina says. Is it possible to recover from cheating? I mean my dad and mom obviously recovered but do you know how it's done?"

"Everyone of us is unique. And every relationship is unique. Your relationship with Arizona is, was, ... is unique. Both of you had been recovering from several traumas when cheating happened. As Travis summarized you, cheating is common PTSD behavior among addictions. I am not saying PTSD is an excuse for cheating. I am just saying it is extremely common. Maybe, just maybe, it could have been prevented if she or both of you tried therapy after the plane crash. But it's just a maybe. Arizona's case was a tough one. Aaaand we also observe PTSD after cheating. So you went through similar syndromes in different depths."

"Did we? I didn't have any PTSD."

"Ok, let's see. Did you have intrusive images about her with the woman she was cheating?"

"Oh! Yes! I was going nuts thinking she was screwing that woman."

"Ok. She had flashbacks about her plane crash and you about the cheating process. Did you ruminate about the what-ifs?"

"Yes."

"She did too. Did you have the rage?"

"Yes!"

"Anxiety? Social anxiety about what others would think of you? Depression? Humiliation?"

"I felt humiliated."

"She did too. She felt humiliation because her body wasn't complete enough as it used to be."

"Loss? She felt the loss of her limb as well as her life with a complete body. You must have felt the loss, loss of the most important connection in your life."

I just nodded while I was fighting the tears in my eyes. I just couldn't believe I was still having the tears after so many years.

"Loss of trust and self-confidence?"

"Yes! How could I ever trust her again? Still, I don't know if I am good enough to have ONE decent relationship."

"She had similar feelings and fears. Would she ever be good enough for you as your wife? So replying to your question, forgiveness is possible only when there is mutual love and mutual efforts to build the lost trust. And these efforts start with understanding each other… with empathy. That's how "the mine land is cleaned over time" till nothing can trigger the hidden wounds anymore."

I needed time for all what we discussed sinking in. I just nodded. We sat in silence for a long minute.

"Anything else that bothers you?" Dr. Golberg asked.

"Travis" I said." I don't know how he forgave me. I cut his both legs and he… he just forgave me. Only if I received the letter about the Peterson hip failures, I would have never operated on him. Yet he is still here, trusting me to help him with bionic legs… legs that replace the legs I cut off." She was silently taking notes and nodding. I hate her silence.

"At least he is giving me the chance to fix what I broke. As if that would erase my guilt in this. He said shame is worse than all. The pain I caused is worse than all." I continued.

"So you couldn't forgive yourself about Travis even when he forgave you?" she asked.

"Yes. No. I don't know…"

"How about Arizona?" she asked.

"How about her?" I asked.

"Did she forgive you for cutting her leg?"

"She did. I mean I didn't cut her leg off, but I made the decision so in a way, yes, I am responsible. But I had to save her life." I was rambling and fidgeting my hands.

"How do you know she forgave you?" she asked.

"I don't know. She told me many times. In different ways. She told me having two legs wasn't important, but I was important for her. I think she forgave me."

"Are you sure? Are you sure she forgave you?" she insisted.

"I… I don't know."

"How about you? Did you forgive yourself?" she asked.

"What?! I did nothing… I saved her life. Why should I forgive myself?"

"You started this prosthesis project for her?"

"Yes. To help her."

"To fix her, to fix what's broken. Just like Travis?" she asked.

I just wanted to get out of this room, slam the door and run but my feet were too heavy. My head was too heavy. My body, my shoulders, my eyes… my tears were too heavy. I sat on the couch and …

I cried.

I cried for I don't know how long.

When I finally felt a little bit lighter, I looked at her and continued.

"I was stuck in Derek's operation. His arm nerves damaged during the plane crash. He was a renowned neurosurgeon. There was no way I could get out of the operation. I was stuck. I had to decide about my wife's leg in a few seconds in the middle of a million-dollar arm operation. I couldn't even check her before she was amputated."

"Would you do anything differently if you could go back? Could you save the leg if you did something?" she asked.

"No. There was no way I could save her leg. I would amputate her to save her… but…"

"But?""

" I wouldn't promise her that I would save her leg no matter what."

She nodded. "I think today we should wrap up here."

"Why? What did we accomplish? What's next?" I asked.

"There is no next. There is just now. What do you feel now?" she asked.

"I want to know what's next?" I insisted again.

"Stop thinking. What are you feeling now?" she asked again.

I was curious about what's next but she was stubborn so I stopped. I was feeling better, less haunted, lighter.

"Strangely I'm feeling better. Lighter."

She smiled. "Good."

"Still curious about what's next."

"Now you accept that you lived another Greek tragedy, a trauma. You accept you caused pain for saving her life. But this acceptance will not be like your previous ones. You seem to accept it on the surface and move on to the next before it is really healed. This time your acceptance will include pain. You will take your time, feel the pain deep inside. Next, you forgive yourself and accept you did your very best."

I nodded.

"And a closure could help the healing."

"What kind of closure?"

"Have you ever told Arizona you were sorry for the amputation and the promise?"

"No. Because it was to save her life!"

"Yes but still you felt pain and caused pain to save her life. You told this to Travis during the trial but never mentioned it to Arizona?"

"No."

"Ok. Food for thought?"

"Ok."

…

When I got out of the therapy, I felt the sun and the breeze on my face. My shoulders were lighter. I was lighter. I had lots to think about, but I was alive and enjoying the sun in the most alive city in the world.

When I arrived at the apartment after the short stroll in Central Park, my phone started ringing.

"Mija! How are you?"

"Mama, I am awesome but I missed you so much."

"I missed you a lot too. So you are awesome? Anything new at the school?"

"I haven't been to school since Monday."

"What!? Why? Are you sick?"

"No. Yesterday I told mommy that I miss you, my teacher and my friends in New York. She took me to the hospital. She let me wear a white doctor's coat. I became her intern, mama. It was awesome. She says my bedside manner is great, just like you. Do you know what bedside manner is mama?"

"Yes, I know Mija," I laughed.

Sofia continued as I didn't say I knew. "It is how you listen and talk to sick people. Patients. Mommy said I would be an awesome doctor just like you. She is an awesome doctor too. Doctor Alex said only mommy could find out Noah sei–seizures. Because she is an awesome doctor. Do you know what seizure is mama?"

"Yes, I know Mija. So you know what seizure is? Wow! You are becoming a doctor." I said.

"Yes, mama. Noah's mother was very sick because the baby in her tummy was very sick. But mommy also said Noah was very sick. There was something in his brain, seizure. He was laughing a lot because he was sick. Mommy saved all of them. And today we went to the Pacific science center. We played awesome games. Maybe I can become a scientist and doctor at the same time."

Sofia's double, sometimes triple, or quadruple career dreams have always amazed me. Since she started with astronaut–princess Halloween costumes when she was 3 years old, she had always amazed us. Another amazing thing about talking to her was observing Arizona's influence. My chatterbox always loved talking but after a few weeks with Arizona, she was talking faster, with a happier voice and with lots "awesomes".

"You can be a brilliant scientist doctor, Mija."

"That's what mommy said. She says I am creative just like you. You are a kind of scientist doctor too. Right mama? Mommy said you made carte-la- gee and robot legs just like scientists in the museum. And you save lives like mommy too. You are awesome mama!"

"Yes, I worked on cartilage and robot limbs but scientists do more."

"Well, mommy says you are. So mommy took a day off for me. We had lots of fun!"

"What!? She took a day off?"

"Yes to have some fun with me. She said she was lucky because I am healthy and smart. And I am her daughter. But I'm going to school tomorrow."

"Good for you. You shouldn't miss school Mija. You will miss the fun at school."

"There is no fun at this school. Ms. Mendez doesn't let me draw and paint on the sides of our notebook like Mrs. Andrews."

I laughed. "I'm sure Ms. Mendez provides other types of fun Sofia. Besides, even school isn't fun, sometimes, you should get the most you can in class so you become a scientist doctor."

"I miss you a lot mama. Can't you come here? Please" Her cheerful voice turned into a pleading voice. She was stabbing a dagger in my heart with each word. How could I explain my seven years old I had obligations here even I wanted nothing more to move to Seattle to be with her?

"Just like you have to go to school, I have to go to the hospital for work. I will when I can, but not soon Sofia. Sorry Mija. You know I love so so much right?"

"I love you too!"

…

At night in bed, I was considering all the questions and topics we covered during the therapy. After a loaded therapy and talking to my "awesome" daughter, somehow I was lighthearted, hopeful, and full of energy. I wasn't feeling heavy, stuck, or trapped anymore. Maybe this therapy was working. I checked my feelings with Dr.Goldberg's methods. I was curious. Extremely curious. Arizona has always been a workaholic and she took a day off for a bad day of Sofia!? What was going on in Arizona's life?

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN. Sorry for my delay. My work was hectic and I turn out to be a workaholic like Arizona. Most of you will figure out we are in between episodes 16 to 18 in season 14 in which Arizona realizes what is really important for her after Noah's and his mom's story. So we have self-realization on both sides of the country. While Sleeping at last's "Three" is playing in Seattle, "Seven" from the same band is "on" in New York. Thank you for joining me for this journey until now and I hope you enjoy it.


	16. if the world was ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studios & Shonda Rhimes. I intend no copyright infringement. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment.

Chapter 16

**if the world was ending**

"Congrats Dr. Torres!"

"Congrats Callie!"

"Great job Callie!"

"Congrats Dr. Torres!"

Every single attending was shaking my hand or passing by me to congratulate me. The chief was throwing a small party in the attendings room.

"I'd like to make a toast for Dr. Callie Torres. Nine months ago when she joined this hospital, I just knew we were enriching our team with a brilliant doctor but I could never imagine her incredible contribution to this hospital as well as the lives of the amputees and the veterans." The chief was certainly more cheerful than I was.

Rajesh was a little bit late to the party because of his operation and approached me just after the toast. "Woohoo, Callie! I've never heard the chief praising anyone like this before."

"He is praising the hundred fifty million dollars, the second stage of the project. He'll be able to fund extra residents as part of the program and gain a special lab with the latest MRIs, 3 d printers. Basically this hospital will be the world's future orthopedic surgery and robotic limbs center."

"Thanks to you! Congrats," he said cheerfully.

"Thank you!" I said and smiled.

"Why aren't you over the moon?" he asked.

"I am" I lied. I didn't want to tell anyone even Raj, that the last months have been the longest I haven't seen Sofia, we were both longing for each other, she was crying on the phone, me after the phone every night.

"Sure," he said and picked his phone.

"Hello Saanvi, I'll be late tonight. You go and have your dinner, honey… Thank you." He briefly talked on the phone.

"What are you doing?" I asked sarcastically.

"I'm taking you to dinner and dancing. And we are celebrating your monumental success!" he announced cheerfully.

"No, not necessary Raj. Your family is waiting for you." I said. I really wasn't in the fun mood and I didn't want him to change his plans for me.

"Do you have other plans?" he asked.

"Yeah. I've been struggling to choose between all the options lately!" I chuckled.

"Okay then…" he said.

"We don't need to go out," I said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"We can stay in, just order a pizza…" I suggested.

"Pizza?! How old are we?" He picked his phone again." Hey Saanvi, change of plans. I convinced Callie to join us for dinner. We are celebrating her hundred fifty million-dollar success with your wonderful dishes tonight… Do you need me to pick up anything?... Ok. We'll be home in an hour."

"Seriously? Do you even know if she wants to meet me? Or if she had cooked enough food?" I asked.

"She is the best chef in New York. For me in the world. You will see what I mean tonight. I never thought you were the type who wants to stay in. I thought you are the fun, let's hang outside, dancing queen type." He said.

"I am. I was. I am." I hesitantly answered.

"She has been curious about you for a while and she was looking forward to meeting you anyway." He replied.

"Why? What did you tell her about me Rajesh?!" I asked.

…

After the delicious dinner, I helped Saanvi in the kitchen.

"Rajesh is right. You are the best chef in the world and this is the best dinner I had for I don't know how long" I said.

"Thank you." She chuckled and continued, "And you are as beautiful as Raj says. I would introduce you to my brother if you weren't already taken."

"Thank _you_ and I'm not taken. Actually I am quite lonely for the last few months. Tonight was really something for me. Thank you for having me." I said sincerely.

"Anytime. You are welcomed here anytime. And the fact you may be lonely for a few months doesn't change the reality that you already are taken." She said.

"What did Raj tell you for God's sakes? I wish I knew how and by whom I was taken!" I said.

"The grey sweater, Minnesota, of course. Raj tells me everything, everything, even the things you might have forgotten because you were drunk." She laughed.

"It's nonsense. It's been a few years since we divorced. He must have misunderstood me." I replied in a panic. What was she talking about?!

"Hahaha. Darling he may be selfish sometimes or arrogant like most of you surgeons but he is certainly the most intelligent man and the wisest man anyone can meet." Saanvi told me everything I did when I was drunk, everything I didn't remember; making a fuss about the grey sweater, calling Bailey to learn about Eliza Minnick, being the bulldozer… Shame on Rajesh for not telling me anything and telling all to his wife! I got so much embarrassed by everything. Thank God there was something about Saanvi that was soothing you just like her husband. I was so surprised that they were fighting so much. She was very different from what I imagined from Raj's stories. She had been a successful philosophy and literature teaching assistant at Columbia University when she got pregnant for their first son and drop out of her program because Raj was busy with his fellowship and was no help for the baby. When Raj was accepted to John Hopkins, she had to move to Baltimore just a few months after her professor gave her another chance at the university. With the second and the third kid, she had to devote her life to her kids while Rajesh was getting to be this busy brilliant surgeon he is now.

"Wow! Rajesh told me many times he has been in love with you but he somehow left out these parts you just told."

She chuckled. "Every story has at least two perspectives, if not more."

"You gave up a lot for him, for this marriage. Do you regret it?" I asked.

"No. Even I asked for a divorce in the heat of the moment sometimes, I can't imagine my life without him. Besides, your dreams and priorities change with ... or for the right person. " she replied.

"Still it must have been very difficult," I said.

"Well,… he gave up some things as well but I don't like calling them giving up. I don't think there can be anyone who turns to ninety years old and says nothing ever happened in my life. I mean look at your life. Everybody struggles. Every relationship is hard."

"So there is no happy romance? Fun life? Very gloomy!" I asked sarcastically.

"Of course there are happy romances but none is always fun. You can't always have fun. I recently read this book… The prophet by… what was his name… Gibran… he was saying joy and sorrow are inseparable. Deeper your cup holds sorrow, deeper it holds joy. I think just like life, it is pretty much the same as the relationships. You need both sorrow and joy… for balance. For me, it is Raj who hurt me the most and made me happier than any spouse could. In any case… I usually think about what I would want and what I would regret if the world was ending. It gives you a better perspective than what you have during daily struggles. I always end up wanting Raj by myself for holding me tight." She was talking with a dreamy face that I envied.

"You two are a strange version of Romeo and Juliet!" I laughed.

"Yes! What would be their story, their relationship if they lived? We'll never know. Maybe they'll be just like you and Minnesota!" she said.

…

If the world was ending who would I want by myself for holding me tight? Will she be the one who hurt me the most, made me happier than the whole world?

…

"Hello, mama! We went to the zoo today! Mommy took a picture of me with the giraffe!" Sofia was holding one iPad in one hand and Arizona's phone on the other hand. She was showing me her zoo pictures and looking for the giraffe picture. "mommy! I can't find the giraffe picture! I want to show it to mama!" She screamed.

"I'm in the shower Sofia!" Arizona screamed back.

My mini-me was as stubborn as I was and went through hundreds of pictures and then pressed another button to pass to another file that opened the pictures of Arizona with a brunette who looked a little bit like Cindy Crawford. She always had a thing for Cindy Crawford. The orgasm doctor was beautiful! They looked happy. Arizona wasn't only smiling from her cheeks with her beautiful dimples but also with her eyes. Will there be any point in my life that I won't feel like "this"?! If the world was ending, she would be holding someone else tight!

Then Sofia clicked another file that didn't open but asked for a password. "Mama do you know the password?" she asked. I was extremely intrigued but what if it was, I don't know some naughty naked pictures? Neither Sofia nor I was ready for this shock. But I was very curious. "What the h…! try one seven zero one" Arizona mostly used Tim's birthday as her password.

"It didn't work mama!" Sofia said.

Then we tried her birthday and Sofia's but got no results. She was probably using Dr. Orgasm Crawford's birthday now.

Then Sofia clicked four numbers I couldn't see and the file opened.

"Yes!" she screamed with joy.

"What did you click Mija?" I asked.

"Your birthday! Three one zero eight. You were trying birthdays, right mama?" My daughter was a smart cookie!

"Yes, my smart cookie!" I exclaimed.

She smiled with joy and showed me the pictures in the file. I was speechless! They were our pictures; pictures of our happiest moments! I had erased all of them from my mobile because it was too painful to have them and I thought I needed to clear the space to use for the new happy relationships which I never really had, nothing even slightly close to the happiness seen in these beautiful pictures… She never deleted them… and saved them with my birthday…

"You are both very pretty mama!" Sofia said.

Then we heard her voice" Sofia, have you find the giraffe picture?"

"No mommy!" Sofia handed her the phone with our wedding photo on the screen.

"How did you…" she didn't complete her question. I heard a few clicks and "here you go! I want to talk to your mama after you. Don't hang up!"

What was it?

…

"Hey Callie," she said.

"Hi," I said.

"Do you have a few minutes?" she asked hesitantly. It had been a few months since our last conversation.

"Sure." What was it she wanted to talk about? Did she want to introduce Dr. Orgasm to Sofia? Or was she getting married?

"I… I don't know what to do. How did you do?" she asked.

"About what? What is it, Arizona?" I asked.

"Sofia… Sofia isn't happy here. She misses New York. She missed you. I don't know. Did this happen in New York with you? What did you do?" she asked softly.

How would I explain to Arizona that I hadn't been aware of her unhappiness for a long time? Arizona's voice was sincere, soft, sad, and… not distanced. Maybe Sofia was the only place we didn't grow apart from each other.

"Did she say she hated you?" I asked boldly.

"No." she replied.

"Well, you are already a few steps ahead of me." I chuckled sadly.

"… no, but she is very unhappy. She doesn't want to go to school. I have to do lots of cuddling to convince her to go to school…" She sounded broken and I didn't have any solutions to offer. I was the reason for my daughter's and her unhappiness, actually for our unhappiness. We shared a heavy silence for a minute.

"Just tell her to go to school," I said finally." I… I really don't know what to say, Arizona. I wish I could fix this whole mess I created." My voice wasn't good at hiding my brokenness.

"Hey! It's ok. It's ok. I'm just… I just feel like… I just can't help her and… I feel like I am an enormous failure as a parent." She said.

I knew how she was feeling even before she spoke it out loud, just as she knew me.

…

"And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed  
They don't know my head is a mess  
No, they don't know who I really am  
And they don't know what  
I've been through like you do"

...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Dear Hads and D, thank you very much for your comments. They mean a lot to me. I replied to them but somehow I had a system issue and they disappeared. So I replying here. :)
> 
> Dearest Hads, this is my first story and maybe the last. I was disappointed with the Calzona ending and couldn't find what I looked for in the fanfiction world so I started writing about it. I am all open to your suggestion on exploring the ideas deeper and with more details so just let me know about which ideas and how deep. I'll be happy to have any help or guidance you can offer. stay safe and lots of love
> 
> I wrote this chapter while I was listening to "if the world was ending" by JP Saxe and Julia Micheals.
> 
> yes sunny days are very close to Calzona.


	17. Broken record

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any recognizable characters portrayed in this story. The recognizable characters in this story belong to ABC Studios & Shonda Rhimes. I intend no copyright infringement. The characters are just borrowed for entertainment.

Broken record

I was in the OR, building a neck of an idiot driver who simply didn't put his seat belt on. Well, I shouldn't call him an idiot. Seven, eight years ago I flew out of a window because of a similar situation. Maybe his girlfriend had thrown his mobile to the backseat because she had been jealous of his best friend too. He was lucky that neurosurgeon could save all the nerves, so he wasn't paralyzed. Unfortunately, he wasn't as lucky in the ortho department. Of course, till I had been called here. Ortho chief gave up the situation as he saw the fractured C1, C3 and C4 with slight fissures in C2 and C7. His cervical vertebrae were a mess. I was looking at least 3 or more operations here. He certainly needed a stubborn artist who would build him a new neck that would hold his head again. I could see the gallery was filling up not only with the curious interns but also with the attendees as well as the chiefs as the hours pass. I had a few crises, but the more problems rise, the more creative I become. That's how it always works with me. Sometime in the middle of the operation, I whispered to myself "She is moving here".

"What? I couldn't hear Dr. Torres" said Janeane. Despite her red puffy eyes, probably because of her boyfriend still in Nigeria, she was enthusiastic about this operation.

"Suction Janeane," I said. The whole day, I found myself repeating the same several sentences again and again. "She is moving here", "she is moving to New York", "she is coming here". Somehow my mind was always finding a way back to the same agenda, no matter how hard I was trying to focus and stay at the moment." She is moving here!"

After the first four hours, Rajesh joined us, as he dismissed Dr. Koch, the other general surgeon. My mood was great.

…

My mood the previous day had differed totally from today. Twenty four hours before this operation, I was screaming at the chief.

"I have to go to Seattle, chief. You have to accept my notice."

"I don't have to accept anything, Torres. You have a contract!" His voice was raising and racing with mine.

"F.. the contract. I don't care! My daughter is on the other side of the country. She misses me. She stole the field trip money to come here. My daughter became a thief!"

"Ask your ex-husband to send her here then."

"My ex-wife! And this solves nothing! She will do the same to fly back to her when she misses her in a few months. I can't go on like this chief!"

"You are managing a hundred and forty million dollar project. General Wiley will inspect your results soon and the president… the president of the United States… will come here for the official kick-off. You can't leave!"

"I can and I will. I am leaving!"

"You will pay millions! As your liability,"

"Do you think I care!?" and I slammed the door.

…

The operation was going smoothly and everything was going even better than I expected. It was as if my life made a u-turn to something lighter, shinier, luckier in less than 24 hours." Look at these stabilizers, Janeane. We will put these temporarily till we come up with a better solution. Aaaand I already have an idea!" I said.

"You look more cheerful than last night. What's the reason? Is your little thief, Robin Hood, coming back to New York?" Raj asked.

I laughed. "Yes! My Robbin is coming back home!" I said to Raj. I chuckled and shook my head.

"What is it, Callie?"

I smiled and added, "Both of my robbins are coming to New York."

"I don't know what you're talking about, but this is the happiest smile you had since…uhm…since we've met."

…

The previous night I had been on the phone for two hours with my dad, my dad's lawyer, and Tim the program manager. I had to fix this messy situation. Sofia needed me to be there. Arizona's voice was distanced and broken when she had called me to inform me about Sofia's robbery and suspension incident. She didn't sound mad or angry, but helpless. She didn't blame me and she didn't need to because I was already drowning in shame and anger oceans and I had to fight back the waves to come up with a solution.

"Sorry Mija. But it is okay. I can transfer whatever amount is necessary."

"Thank you, daddy. But I should find a solution myself."

"You won't find a similar solution to Sofia's I hope. We've had no incidents like this in our family." He chuckled.

I laughed for the first time after I received the news. "Don't worry dad!"

"You know I'm here. Right? That's what the fathers and abuelos for."

"I promise I'll accept your offer if I can't find any solution."

After all the calls, I had accepted that I was beaten. As I picked the phone to call my dad for accepting his money offer, it started to ring. It was Arizona. I hesitated to pick the call. Maybe I should have called her back after I talked to my dad, so I give her the news that I was going back to Seattle. She was very determined, so I decided to take it. Maybe there was another incident about our little thief.

"Hey,"

"'Callie, hey. Um, so I was thinking. Um, and I think that Sofia should move back to New York with you."

"What?" I was almost whispering." Are you sure? She'll be thrilled."

"Umhuh,"

"So you thought this through?"

"Yeah,"

"She'll be happy till she misses you again. I don't know Arizona."

"And I think I need to move back with her."….

After the operation, I wanted to go home and crash in the bed but Raj wanted to celebrate the operation and the big news so we, the usual suspects, ended in our usual bar.

"For what it's worth, you did an outstanding job about choosing your wife!"

"Yeah! She cheated on me, Raj."

"So what?! You said it was only for once. Look what she is doing now!"

"C'mon!"

"Ok. She broke her promises once. Did you keep all your promises? I mean, I couldn't keep all mine to Saanvi."

"Promise me, you won't let them take my leg!" "I promise." I broke at least one… one to save her life.

"She made mistakes, but she is also moving to New York to make your daughter and you happy. Not to mention she also let you take her daughter for a whole year. The same daughter she is moving across the country for!"

I was thinking about our divorce while Raj was slapping me with the basic truths. "This is not advancing our family!", "I keep giving, giving and giving!", "Why can't you give what I want?!". When I had walked out of the therapist room, all I was thinking was we wanted different things from life. We wanted to walk to different directions but together and I was thinking I was the one who kept giving and getting nothing in return. Arizona was stuck in between her dreams, her goals, and loving me and my dreams. And certainly, she wouldn't be giving me what I wanted. 4 years after leaving her in the therapist room, I was in the shock of her grand gesture. She was moving across the country for Sofia, for our family, for…She was leaving her hospital, her department, her friends, her students, Alex, her house, everything behind for…

"What!?"

"You realize she let you take her daughter, whom she is moving, for now, so you can be happy?"

"Yeah. You keep repeating that like a broken record. So?"

"For whom do you give up your most precious?"

"What?!"

"You are really something today Callie! This woman gave up her daughter so you can be happy with your girlfriend. What does this show?"

"She is a masochist?"

"Holy crap! She cares about you! Or more! She let you free, gave up her most precious so YOU can be happy. If this isn't love, I don't know what it is. Besides, if any of us is a broken record, it is you. She is moving here, she is coming to New York, she is,"

"Okay! okay! What do you want me to do?"

"The last several weeks I have laughed more, I have done more, I've enjoyed myself more than… And I finally feel free! And by being free, I can see now that constantly trying to fix us is the thing that's been killing me slowly and I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to fix it or fix us anymore. Maybe, instead of loving you so hard, I should…I should be myself for a while. I should love me. And you should love you and together we love Sofia rather than… I want so much for you, Arizona, for both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free, too."

She didn't just let me be free but also gave up so much since the custody trial…I was free, but was she free? Was she stuck with me? Because of Sofia. She was freely coming here. She was freely giving, giving and giving, even though we aren't "us" anymore.

"The question is… what do YOU want to do?"

"I don't know! Okay? I don't know."

…

When I arrived home, I was a little, maybe more than a little tipsy and I couldn't help myself and texted Arizona.

"You are really moving to New York?"

"I am. We are." She replied immediately.

"Can I help you with anything?"

"No, not at the moment. Thank you, though. : ) "The smiley emoji and the alcohol in my veins made me do crazy things like dialing her number.

"Hey…Umh… I shouldn't have called. I don't know, maybe you were asleep,"

"We just texted each other. You know I was awake? Are you drunk, Callie?"

"No… Maybe a little tipsy..."

"Is everything ok?"

"You are moving here."

"Yes. Is that a problem? Is it Penny?"

"No! No! It is not. It is something good, great, amazing actually!"

"Are you okay, Callio.. Callie?"

"I really messed up everything. For a long time, I've been doing everything wrong. Our daughter became a thief because of me,"

"You mean us. I thought we were doing the right thing finally for all of us but missed that Sofia needed both of us at the same time."

"It wasn't you who moved across the country, chase tail across the country as Bailey put in words."

"Yes but.. I don't know. Maybe I should have moved to New York with you in the first place."

I laughed. She was too…cute? Sweet? "Don't be stupid. You could never know if things would turn out like this. Mark would hate this. He would be mad at me for being such an idiot!"

"He would take your side no matter what. Once he said he would choose you in a divorce."

"He wouldn't in this scenario. When did he say that?"

"After Africa, I asked his help to convince you for forgiving me. He made a huuuge list of my flaws…" We both laughed together for the first time for a long time. "I miss him."

"Oh I miss him too. He would be so mad at us for turning her daughter to a small thief!"

"Maybe it was his genes? I mean, I never stole anything in my life."

"C'mon Arizona? He was a lot of things… but not a thief. Besides, you are the Robin of the family. Robin Hood! Maybe Sofia Robbin got it from you! It comes with the name?"

"What? Oh no! I'm raising our Robbin as THE colonel raised me. I can't imagine his reaction to this robbery." We were both laughing at his possible reaction. I was feeling good. Was this strange?

"Maybe we should never mention this to your parents."

"Right. We shouldn't. Maybe Mark would be proud because Sofia found her way out when we couldn't. We are like the movie 'the parent trap'."

"The parent trap?"

"A comedy movie. Of course, you badass Calliope Torres wouldn't know," She laughed. This was the first time she called me Calliope since she said she loved me for the last time in the therapist room. It felt great and sad at the same time. Something in me was aching to hear more, and I knew it couldn't happen anymore.

"The twins are trapping their parents to bring their parents back together…" She stopped as if she got what she was saying after the words left her mouth.

"Are you saying you got trapped? Because if you are saying that, you don't have to come here!"

"Hey! Hey! Callie, I never said that."

"What are you saying then?"

"I am saying that I want to do all I can, to make Sofia happy because I am her mother and… and Sofia is smart just like Mark and as the twins in the movie."

I watched my anger disappear as I exhaled and calmed down. She was very patient, and I was questioning myself about why I got so angry suddenly.

"She is. We have a very smart cookie."

It has been a while since we had a long conversation. We were avoiding each other because it was hard to be distanced from someone who you had been so close before. It was like as we undressed each other till we were fully naked and as we broke up, we put on 5 layers of clothes to hide the naked souls we fully shared before. This conversation felt different and good. We were in a different place; both separately and together.

We had a brief silence before I said; "Thank you Arizona."

"Your welcome Callie. Good night."

"Good night."

…

Before I fell asleep, I caught myself whispering "she is moving here."


End file.
